In the shallows

I’m going to take a break today from winding along the stream of the
workplace and instead examine another part of my story about me. Not
an actual story, mind you, but the one I tell myself about me. The one
that leaks out in poisonous ways sometimes to hold me back.


We all have them, our stories of our lives. Sometimes our stories are
factually true, but most often the truth we see and tell about
ourselves is done through the myopic way we have learned to
internalize ideas about ourselves. Which makes it not true at all,
except to us, because we believe what we have habitually told
ourselves over the years.


The leadup to this examination is a little laughable, actually. My
[number omitted...cough cough] high school reunion is coming up in a
few weeks. With the advent of social media, Facebook in particluar, I
have gotten back in touch with people I thought I would never speak to
again. Many of these people are from my high school class and will be
attending the reunion “back home again…” Because I am a girl and still
love to play dress-up, as soon as I heard about the reunion, I set
about shopping for a new cocktail dress to wear. And I found one that
makes me feel GREAT!


Over the weekend, I logged on to our reunion page on Facebook and
noticed that the organizer of the reunion had posted a note on the
wall. In it, she mentioned that the dress code for the event (which
was not on the invitations that were sent) was set at business casual,
since the guys wanted to be comfortable and not wear ties.


So immediately I get torqued off about not being able to wear my
awesome new purple dress. I fired off some emails about my dismay to
two friends, who immediately responded that, as long as it wasn’t a
ball gown or covered in sequins, I should wear it anyway. But in my
mind – in my story – I refused to believe this was an option because
the dress is definitely more than business casual and I run the risk
of being over-dressed and labeled as trying to show off. It wasn’t
until my dearest darling BFFGF actually said, “I love Carrie Bradshaw,
don’t you? Soo…what would Carrie do at her reunion? She would look
fabulous and not worry about it. I LOVE the dress.”


That got me thinking about Carrie and how fashion fearless she is, and
it also got me wondering when I became the shrinking violet and
self-berating appropriateness police…what do I care if people think
I’m over-dressed? (I won’t be by the way…) And why is that such a big
deal to me? I was always an expressive soul, but even though I always
loved to perform and don’t mind attention when I am on stage, I have
always felt self-conscious about being singled out because I don’t
want people to think I think I’m “that special.” I notice that I am
super self-conscious about standing out, looking good, being smart and
overall owning my fabulousness. I attribute part of that to kids in
school who didn’t like me because I was a teacher’s kid and thought I
got special treatment. So I played down my specialness all those
years.


Who knows if that part of my story is even true. I seem to recall one
sneered “you think you’re so special…” a LONG LONG time ago. And of
course, I know that was about the insecurity of the sayer not me. It
certainly seems sideways to my current reality, where I encourage
people to be creative and expressive. How authentic does that make my
message when I have to shrink back? “You are special. We are all
special because of who we are…except me, I’m not that great. Really.
But YOU are awesome. Me, I’m just meh. Average. Pay no attention to
me…Look how special YOU are!”


I am reminded of a quote I have seen and heard often by Marianne
Williamson, one that speaks to me every time: “Our deepest fear is not
that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful
beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens
us.’ We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented,
fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? … Your playing small does
not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so
that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to
shine, as children do… It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our
presence automatically liberates others.”


And so I will rock my purple dress. I may not rock it with the black
satin and mother-of-pearl heels I was thinking of wearing…But then
again, Carrie would…