Gap the Mind

As an introvert and highly-sensitive person (HSP), I have A LOT of mental noise. Everything I experience, I inernalize to process later. I describe this to people who don't know what I mean (hello my uber-extroverted friends!) by describing it as a mental game of Tetris. I take in all the chunks of information, stimulus, feedback, experiences that come my way, save them up in my mind and my body and then examine them and find out where they fit later on, discarding what doesn't matter and saving the rest for future examination. Additionally, I internalize experiences BEFORE they happen, anticipating scenarios and "rehearsing" interactions to help create some context so that I am not completely overwhelmed by stimuli...It doesn't always work and often backfires. Honestly all of this is exhausting, but it is how I am wired and have learned to survive in this loud and extroverted world.


I am also high-strung by nature. One time when I was seeking help for what I perceived as an abnormal reaction to life's stimuli, I actually had a doctor tell me, "Some people's central nervous systems just fire faster than others. It's not personality, it's not something you can or should change. It's biology." Accepting that fact really helped me understand that what is "normal" for some is not normal for me, and that "normal" is not a guidepost I should be concerned about.


Combining my introversion/HSP personality with my quick-firing central nervous system means I am a person whose mind is rarely at peace and who is rarely grounded in the present. I'm usually processing the past or preparing for the future. The times my mind goes quiet are the times I know something very important, or very scary (sometimes both) is happening...or the times when I am so overloaded that I just shut down.



I've tried to practice meditation, and it works as long as I can get through the excrutiating first few minutes where my mind literally goes into panic mode. My mind does not like a gap in its activity. It does not WANT to be still, to count breathes. It starts to WHAT IF and IF ONLY me. But I can tell it craves a gap because one of the recurring thoughts I have is "I just want everything to stop!" I know my spirit, my soul, my whole entire being other than my mind craves a gap in the incessant data crunching and "nexting" that my mind is so attached to.



And really, now that I think about it, my mind should not be in charge at all. Being stuck in my head is how I get myself into states like I am in now, amped up and paralyzed at the same time. If it were up to my mind, I would be freaking out, shutting down, wigging out and collapsing in upon myself at any given moment. Thank goodness for my poker face and the little voice of my soul that continues to whisper the truth...Sometimes I can even hear it amid the din.



Time to gap the mind and see what's real.