Mirror, Mirror (or, the failure to lighten up...)

I'm completely failing to lighten up and stop taking things so seriously. Last night, after committing myself to positive thinking and feelings of abundance, I ended up irritable, edgy and critical...and felt criticized as well.

Today, I'm completely resisting being here. I'm resenting the budget meeting, the department meeting and the heap of documents that MUST be edited last minute to meet someone else's unrealistic deadline.

I'm also angry at myself for choosing this state of mind, for buying the noise that my ego is making and believing all the negative thoughts and judgements that are in my head. I feel overloaded with responsibility just when I want to feel celebratory.

Part of this, I know, comes with being a highly sensitive person, or intuitive empath. I pick up on energy, thoughts and feelings of those around me, so much so that I often have a very hard time separating what I am picking up from others from what is really my own. I often act as a mood mirror for others, reflecting what is going on with them in my feelings...except often neither of us understands the mirroring that is going on when it is happening.
I think I learned this mirroring, as I suppose we all do, as a child. As I grew, I learned that in order to gain favor from, be accepted by, or stay out of disfavor with authority figures, I should mirror their energy and way of relating. And, so chameleon-like, I have made my way through the world, pleasing authorities by being "just like them." Except I'm not. I'm just mirroring. And it's costing me myself.

I notice more and more how whenever I am in my office, I can feel the energy of my boss next door. A prim and proper woman, she is one of the most emotionally closed-off people I have ever known. I don't even think she knows how shut down she is, because I have a feeling in her life outside of work she is warm and caring.

But I know how closed off she is, because I am too. I have worked for her for two years, and have in effect  been assimilated (how's that Star Trek geeks?) So now, what was her frequency is also mine - guarded, reactionary, either defensive or completely devoid of emotion...and the endless orating. Ugh. She reminds me of my parents in many ways.

Yeah, karma. Awareness is the first step...

My taking-things-too-seriously and believing I have to mirror her energy - essentially in order to fly under the radar and not have to interact with her more than is absolutely necessary - brings up stuff I haven't dealt with across the rest of my life. Part of me wants to pendulum the other way and start acting out in order to try to, break the mirror. But I have a feeling doing that would bring me more than seven years bad luck...

So I'll settle with watching and being aware, noticing when I am mirroring and questioning whether I own what I am feeling because I am feeling it or because I am choosing to take it on...take responsibility for it onto myself, even if it is not mine.

And now for that budget meeting. Feel the chill...

For Serious

I came in to work today and found myself surrounded by all the typical nonsense that comes with the average Monday. People all in a bunch about a bunch of nothing, rushing around looking constipated and irritated. And, even though no one said anything to me until late in the morning, their funked up energy rubbed off on me and I started to feel bunched up myself. (As an empath, I often have a hard time not letting other people's energies infiltrate my boundaries.)

I found myself thinking all kinds of shriveled up, grinch-like thoughts, judging myself and others and mentally screaming I DON'T WANNA at everything that came my way. I mean, come on. It's the HOLIDAYS. A time to celebrate abundance and have a little cheer. Yet here we are, all grinchy and grouchy. The only thing we feel we have an abundance of is work.

I realized that one of my core values - humor - has been in grave danger lately. I  have been taking life WAY too seriously. So seriously, in fact, that I had to go looking online for some suggestions about how to lighten up. And I found a great blog post with just that title. It has some great reminders in it of things I already know, but forget on a regular basis.

I also think I might buy and wear a Santa Claus beard or elf ears tomorrow and wear them to every meeting I have with the too-serious crowd. Guzzle some prune juice, people. It's time to get loose! I mean SERIOUSLY...

People-Pleasing Paradox

As I was planning for an art workshop I was going to give for our department at work (we do what we call "lunch and learns" where members of the team present on a top outside their area of work, usually a hobby or skill) I noticed that I was all balled up and tense about it...What was that about? I love doing my workshop because it's all about giving people freedom. Why was I not feeling happy and free and excited about it?

Then I realized I was worried about the reactions of the two or three snarky, sarcastic and critical members of our department to what I was going to present. These guys and their "too cool for school" attitudes made me really stop and think - actually question - the content and approach I was going to take. Imagining their sneers and snickers, I nixed a reading I usually did at the beginning of the workshop to give people context and freedom to play and make ugly art. I started to retool things in a way that I thought might be more palatable to the nay-sayers.

And then, I started to think about the others in the group. The 98% who are open, curious, fun-loving, want to learn and already like and support me. Why was I worried about those unhappy few who had a chip on their shoulder about everything? Why was I catering to negativity, giving it more power? Why cheat those who are open for the sake of those who are closed? And furthermore, why sell out and stifle the voice of my authentic self in order to try to please those who might find me and what I bring untenable?

That really hit home, and I started to look at my life. Across the board, I was wasting time and energy trying to people-please the people who are least likely to ever be pleased by anyone or anything. And, of course, by doing that, I am selling myself short and pleasing no one. Especially me.

In the amazing way the universe works, the very next morning, the morning of my workshop, Seth Godin posted about the very same theme.

Lady Gaga doesn't care if Seth listens to her. Why should I care if a couple of negative-nasties like what I do? Why throw energy away like that? So I didn't. I did my workshop they way I wanted to do it, with all of me showing and vulnerable (interestingly, the folks I was worried about weren't even there that day!)

And everyone loved it. Including me.

Visioning

My last post was about getting clear on my core values. I can't tell you what an impact that has already had on helping me feel more grounded and confident about who I am and where I'm going!

Step two of my goal-setting process was to write my personal vision, because if you don't know where you're going in the big-picture, you can't really set up goals to help you succeed. In the Velocity session I attended, they encouraged us to write a Painted Picture vision - a very detailed and specific vision about what our lives would look like in the year 2013.

I started to do that, but realized what I was writing felt contrived and awkward. I wasn't in the right state of mind. I was stuck in my head! So instead, I started to focus on how I wanted to FEEL as I move toward my vision for my life. I tapped into the feelings I was having in my heart and gut, and I wrote down a whole list of words to describe those feelings and then made them into a word cloud. (I did this on my own in PowerPoint, but you can have a computer do it for you if you visit Wordle.)

I also made a visual of my personal mantra, something I came up with several years ago during coaching training. It really kind of zips up my core values and vision into a neat little package.  

I will get around to writing my vision down. I just needed to do this work first. And I figured putting it out in the world like this (to all my 8 readers - Ha....but it's true) might just help me make it real.

Thanks (all 8 of you) for supporting me with your eyes!

Re-e-VALUE-ating

Over the weekend, I attended a seminar given by a colleague who is starting a business called Velocity to help people be more successful with goal-setting and achievement. I'm pretty loose in that area...usually preferring to go with the flow. It's in my nature to resist anything that feels confining, rigid, prescriptive or something I "should" do. Usually if I set my mind to something, I get it done. Why formalize it? But I have to admit to a decided lack of discipline in certain areas of my life that having measurable goals and an action plan around might help.

During the workshop, the facilitators talked about the importance of knowing your personal core values. We all have them. But most of the time they operate under the surface of our lives. Why not bring them into the light and use them to gut-check every decision? Successful businesses do this - using their core values to ensure alignment between their offerings, their audience and their staff. So the theory goes that if my goals are going to be successful, they have to align with my core values. Makes sense. After all, I'm not really going to be motivated by something that doesn't really hit me where I live.

Yesterday was a rainy, dreary day - the perfect day to curl up next to the fire and play with concepts. I love doing this anyway, so this was a special treat. I started with a scribbled list that I wrote down during the workshop, then added to it, subtracted from it, combined some things, whittled it down and finally identified 10 values that I then started to prioritize. Halfway through, I realized that some of the items on my list weren't really MY values, but instead my beliefs about what my values should be. So I re-e-VALUE-ated.

At the end, these are the values I put on paper and hung next to my desk:

• Life-Long Learning - Growth comes from experience, curiosity and inquiry.
• Self Awareness, Self Reliance, Authenticity - Know thyself. Trust thyself. Be thyself.
• Relationships - Nurture the inner circle. Widen the outer circle.
• Creativity & Freedom - Possibilities are endless.
• Every Voice Counts -  Every perception is real and valid.
• Humor - Life is too important to take seriously.

Tonight, it's on to my personal vision...Should be fun!

You Need a Little Emptiness Before You Know What is Real

Sister Hazel gets credit for the title of my post (from their song "Lay it Down".) Those guys have some lyrics that really speak to me, and on this particular night that line fits just right.

As an introvert and highly sensitive person, I often crave alone time to rest, let myself settle and recharge my batteries. But I realized today that most times when I do get my precious down time, I fill it with junk. It seems that no sooner do I settle myself on the couch with myself when I am plagued with the desire for something (not someone, but something) to fill the space with me or take the edge off. I reach for a glass of wine, a cookie, the remote or the laptop...or all of the above. Instead of being in the space with myself, all I end up doing is blunting the experience with habit, some might say addiction.

It's odd to me that I am seeking now to escape my own company when growing up, I was the one I spent the most time with. I holed up in my room and filled the hours with reading, drawing, make-believe performances,  imaginative play with my dolls and stuffed animals. Those days I discovered so much about myself. But slowly--and then rapidly--those days dwindled as I felt the social pressure to be with people (my ex-husband's family found my need to withdraw from time to time "rude"...) I am seeing now, as my quality, creative, regenerative, pensive, restorative alone time dwindled, so did my real, intimate knowing of myself.

It's time to find myself again. I'm pretty sure I'm not at the bottom of the cookie jar or bottle of wine, and I'm sure as hell not finding myself in any of those "reality" shows (although I suppose that's not wholly true, because I don't tend to watch things that don't resonate for one reason or another with me.) The me that's on Facebook is the me everyone sees, but I want to be with the me I used to be...get back to the me of me. The me of it all, as pop culture would say.

I think in this life we get lost and found a countless number of times, as things ripple and shift around us (and on us, as those of us in midlife know all too well!)

I found a site called tricycle, which explains that in Buddhism:
"Emptiness is a mode of perception, a way of looking at experience. It adds nothing to, and takes nothing away from, the raw data of physical and mental events. You look at events in the mind and the senses with no thought of whether there's anything lying behind them."



No analysis. No action. No judgment. No worries. No stories about anything that add suffering. That sounds lovely. I'm very good at adding suffering to my experience. It's been a while since I've given myself space, a little emptiness to know again what is real. Or to know nothing but the emptiness...

A Shift to Creativity

As a middle manager, I sometimes feel like my job is one of the least creative spaces in the world. After all, I don't own the deciding and I don't own the doing, I just facilitate the in-between. This includes trouble-shooting the problems faced by the do-ers and managing the myriad issues raised by the deciders.

As I mentioned in this post, I spend so much time in problem-identification and reaction mode that I feel I am becoming negative in my focus. But in my class last week, I realized that I can use my skill for seeing "problems" as an opportunity for creativity. If I see problems as negative things to be fixed, I'm going to constantly resist them, which is just going to create more tension and more problems and drain my energy. (Here's a great post on this very thing!) But if I see them instead as challenges that are asking for creative attention, I can start to shift not only how I approach them but the very energy of them.

Instead of seeing it as my job to solve problems, I can instead see it as my job to create space for opportunities and solutions to arise. This makes me feel instantly lighter and simultaneously  more powerful. I feel my curiosity and intuition kicking in as I relax into the creative place. I am actually looking forward to tackling some of the issues that before have made me resist and tense up. 

In complete transparency, thinking about this shift also makes me tense and afraid. My mind (ego?) tells me I can't do it. That's because it's not up to my mind, which is a control freak. My following of my mind is what gets me in this stew each time and sends me further down the path of most resistance. This is a heart thing. A gut thing. A trust in myself thing. My mind knows when I do that, things change and it loses power.

So, if I am going to practice this I might as well start  now. Today I will practice reframing my approach. Problems are opportunities for creative thinking...

Finding the Courage to Change...

Last week I completed the first course on my journey to a certificate in Organizational Development. I literally spent the first two and a half days of the four-day course completely self-absorbed, flagellating myself with doubt. The last day and a half, I finally broke open and was able to be present and confident that whatever came was what was to be.

Now I am back in my life, in my job. And I see opportunity all around me to begin to take steps, to perhaps introduce what I am learning into my day-to-day and perhaps even let go of what is not working for me here while still being here AND contributing even more. (There's SO much potential!)

But first I have to be brave enough to recontract with my boss, because if I start to shift without communicating, there will be an even bigger rub than the one I feel now as I pretend to care about and engage in my current duties. Actually, back up...First, I need to get clear with myself on what I would propose to shift. A conceptual conversation about wanting to help work on breaking down the silos and help the organization realign and re-energize isn't going to help me sell my case to my boss...not if I don't detail it and buy it myself first.

All I know is that I need to start to make some changes, even if they are somewhat small, sooner rather than later. Because the longer I see what I want but have to see it through the lens of what I don't want, the farther away it seems and the smaller my life feels.

Daily Dose of Neurosis

I just wrote an email to an awesome author and blogger I found via the amazing sticky connections of the web. Her name is Susan Piver, and like me she is an enneagram type 4. (Go on, all you 6's roll your eyes...Yes, G, I'm talking to you.)

Since my email to her was on the same topic as a blog post I had been formulating in my head, I figured I would just copy and paste most of it here. But in the off chance that she visits my blog, I didn't want her to think I was just barfing out the same content everywhere. It was an email to you first, Susan. I swear!

Anyway, on to my neurotic spin of the week: As a type 4, I seem plagued by the analytical, breaking-things-down-to-get-to-the-truth-by-identifying-the-problem thinking that is a characteristic of the personality type. I constantly and forever see what is wrong/missing with situations, people, myself...Usually I am the only one who can see these things and/or is willing to articulate them, so I know that I am a necessary force in this world.

But after a while, when others seem to only be in denial or don't want to see what I see (even when I point it out in a nice, diplomatic way or couch it in a question - which is SO hard!!) then I decide, of course, that what is REALLY wrong with me is that all I see is what is wrong/missing with everything. In other words,  I am what the rest of the world would call "negative." And, naturally then I go trying to fix that and make myself more positive to see if that won't make me happier. Which means that I am stuck in the perpetual self-diagnosis and "what-do-I-need-to-change" cycle which really only amounts to beating myself senseless about who I really am.

Once, in the middle of such an episode, I had a boyfriend ask, "What if there's nothing wrong with you?" Which I found to be an amazing revelation, a great relief and extremely freeing for about a day until I, of course, figured out what was wrong with that statement. (I later figured out what was wrong with him too, which was also a great relief. But I digress....)

One of my main worries is, how does my personality type affect the law of attraction in my life (also known as The Secret.) If I always see what is wrong/missing, will I continue to manifest things or situations that are wrong/missing something with my "negative" energy?

Here we go loop-de-loop...

Quittin Time?

At the end of the day Friday, I was drained. Before leaving the office, I posted "I quit. At least for the week" as my Facebook status. I went to say good bye to my team and wish them a good weekend as I always do. What came out of my mouth instead was "I have to go now before I quit." 

When I got home, I felt like a zombie. I said hi and sat down at the kitchen counter with G. He looked at me for a second or two and then, out of the blue, he asked, "Do you want to quit?" It must have been written all over my face...as well as this blog, Facebook and anywhere else my tired psyche could find to scribble.

"Yes," I said. "But I won't. At least not yet."

I don't just up and quit. At least not big things like a job. I have had some really bad jobs, and I haven't quit before I had somewhere else to go. Which got me to thinking over the weekend and today about that pattern and how it has(n't) worked for me. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get when you've always got.

So I am playing with the idea, just inside my head for now, of quitting. I am letting my energy and imagination run wild with the idea. What would it feel like to just quit and not have a backup plan? What would I do with myself? What would my ideal day look like? I mean, it's not like I don't have an idea of what I want to do and where I want to go. It's not like I would be wandering blindly in the woods (although that might very well be one of the things I would do if I quit.)

As I play with this idea, I notice I start to get more energy, my light seems to shine a bit more. I start to dream again...I start to get ideas for artwork...and businesses. I start to envision the person I would be in the world, instead of the person I am in the office. I really like the person I would be in the world, and I really like the idea of being in the world and not in the office (any office.)

For the first time in a long time, I start to feel hopeful and loving toward the idea of uncertainty. I used to feel terrified and doubtful of my ability to succeed. But now I feel supported. Just G asking me if I wanted to quit told me that he cares enough about me to want me to be happy instead of "secure." And just the fact that he asked me that -- facing the insecurity of that question (I know he was serious; and I know it's not about the money or the bills or any sort of financial equity) made me feel even more secure.

But it's not quittin' time just yet...although it could be closer than I think.

Cannot Compute, Cannot Recall

It's been one of those weeks where I don't remember yesterday. Every day has been so full of constant meetings, calls, "emergencies", discussions, emails, immediate requests and other absolutely non crucial-but-perceived-as-crucial insanity that I have spent my evenings staring blankly at the TV and guzzling wine. And I don't remember a single moment of it, and not because of the wine guzzling.

Turns out this is normal, especially for...yes, you guessed it...introverts! Kim Diorio's online review of The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D., reports that, "...introverts use their brains differently from extroverts. While extroverts mostly use their short-term memory and the parts of the brain that deal with sensory impressions, introverts mainly use their long-term memory and the parts of the brain that deal with solving problems, planning, and internal thoughts and feelings. The two brain pathways require different neurotransmitters. The pathway that extroverts use is activated by dopamine, which is identified with alertness, attention, movement, and learning. Extroverts require lots of dopamine to be happy, and activity and excitement increase dopamine production, so extroverts enjoy being busy. Introverts, on the other hand, use a brain pathway that is activated by acetylcholine, which affects long-term memory, the ability to stay calm and alert, and perceptual learning. Acetylcholine produces a happy feeling during thinking and feeling, so introverts enjoy contemplation."

Additionally, it turns out that not remembering things right away (especially if you go from thing to thing to thing) is the natural, physiological way the brain creates memories!! I heard on the radio today about "the spacing effect", which is explained in this (somewhat laborious) scientific article. Here's a snippet:

"Simply speaking, memory uses the spacing effect and the principle of increasing intervals to most effectively fix relevant information in the brain. Upon encountering an event it is temporarily transferred to long-term memory and forgotten in the matter of days. However, if the event is reencountered, the memory assumes increased probability of the event in the future and increases the retention period. Initially, in the retention period, memory is not sensitive to more encounters of the same event. Only at later stages does memory become sensitive again and a new encounter will act as a repetition that will increase the retention period and make memory temporarily insensitive to further encounters."

In other words, repetition spaced over time (but not too long a time) creates memory. Being constantly slammed with new information does not allow any of it to be imprinted and, therefore, learning/remembering does not occur. Additionally, being inundated with a repeated message over a short period of time also does not lend itself to creating a long-term memory. Think of it like cramming for an exam. You might be able to overload your short term memory with enough information to pass, but you're recall of that information later will be limited just a few days (maybe even hours) later.

For me, as an introvert, going from thing to thing to thing essentially leaves me with large segments of days that are completely blank in my memory because I have had NO TIME to process any of it and no desire to create the spaced repetition of the information in order to create a memory. That's why I carry a notepad to all these meetings. And that's why I need a new career. This one is killing my braincells.

P.S. Just found this article as well. Okay, maybe I am rationalizing a failing short-term memory, but I'd rather believe it's the culture and not me that makes me so absent-minded.

Sit on It

I was going to call this post Pain in the A$$ but given the untimely passing of Tom "Mr. C" Bosely, I thought I would pay hommage and reference Happy Days. Apologies to anyone too young to remember.

I've been having hip pain the past few days. My entire lower hemisphere is out of whack from a car accident back in 1983, and I'm certain some of this pain is a result of that and various other physiological factors -- increase in exercise, a change to the awesome but takes-some-getting-used-to Sketchers Shape-Ups, a change in my gait after my knee replacement, being short and working at an unergonomic work station etc.

But I've also noticed that the increase in this pain is tied to tension. Tension in my posterior to be exact. I'm serious. You would be surprised the amount of tension that we store in our gluteus maximus. Get a deep tissue massage and you'll find out! The knots are deep. They restrict the bloodflow and cause pain and inflammation.

So yes, I literally have a pain in my ass. As a sincere believer in the mind-body connection, I did some mental work on the pain this morning. I let my mind settle on it and asked it what it was telling me. Yeah, I can be a little daft at times, because when the answer came it was so obvious I had to laugh:

I'm sitting on my feelings.

It's simple, it's true and it's powerful. I've gotten so good at repressing and supressing my feelings, stifling my voice and sitting on things that want to be expressed that my body has no choice but to put the energy of those feelings somewhere. Our bodies are so wise and we abuse them so that sometimes they have to resort to drastic measures to get our attention. Those of us who operate from the neck up by default (guilty as charged) often miss the subtle signals of misalignment or try to mask the real issues with numbing behaviors like drugs, drinking, mindless media consumption, over-eating (guilty again on all counts.)

I love my body's sense of humor. It speaks in my true voice. How often does my mind think, "this is a pain in the ass" or "I'd better sit on that and not say anything." And so my body says okay and translates those thoughts literally into it's own expression of intolerance. Because it knows that mentally sitting on it isn't the answer.

Bodies are meant for action. They aren't meant to be vehicles to simply schelp our minds around in service of the mental noise that we generate constantly. Our bodies know that if we feel something, it's real. And our bodies want to DO something about it (fight or flight.) Our minds try to talk us out of what we feel,we  rationalize it, compartmentalize it, justify it, find someone to blame for it or - in my case - sit on it. Instead of taking the energy of the feeling when it arises and acknowledging it, allowing it to be in my body and perhaps taking a walk or doing some deep breathing to process it or release it, I sit on it.

And now there's a pain in my ass. 

All of this reminds me of one of my favorite images, an image that my coach, mentor and dear friend MaryJane Bullen shows during her work with teams. We're like iceburgs. There's so much under the surface, so much that we hold down. MaryJane uses this image in the context of not making assumptions about people based on what you see, but to me the image also reminds me to bring more of what is under the surface into the light, honor it and be with it.

If the feelings that are under the surface of my tender hips can be released, my freedom of movement and my freedom of expression will expand and my pain will deminish.

Revolutionary Thinking

I want to start a revolution. I want to start a revolution against ignoring the pink elephant in the room, complimenting the naked emperor on his fancy new duds and, most of all, assuming that just because someone is in a position of leadership means they  have a clue.

In fact, I'll take a room full of naked elephants and pink emperors if we could all just admit that there are lots and lots and lots and lots of really, painfully ineffective leaders in this world. And I'm tired of having to follow them.

I'm going to revolt. Very soon. I'm plotting my revolution now...I'm uncertain whether it will be a subversive revolution or a full out call out of all the leaderless behavior and managerial madness I see. I want blind spots to be revealed and work to actually be done well and authentically. Is that too much to ask? I guess I  need to revolt to find out. How sad.

A Dream Takes Flight

Apologies for the blogging hiatus but it's been a mad few weeks. First, I was priviledged to sit in on an intense leadership conference through my organization, the majority of which I am still processing in my introverted, highly-sensitive manner. I did not have the benefit of processing it right away because I had to work with my partner G to prepare our house for a week of international houseguests (for work nonetheless...but nevermind that.) Just a few short hours after we sent the last of our guests on their way, we too headed to the airport for a vacation which centered around visiting with and supporting my best friend as she prepared for spinal surgery and also going up-up-and away, launching G's dream to learn to fly.

Yes. I rode in the back of a tiny Sessna while my darling G took the controls - one by one and then all at once - during his very first flight lesson. When I first met G, I stole from my coaching bag of tricks and asked him, "What's one thing you've always wanted to do but have never done?"  He said learn to fly. Of course I followed up with "What's stopping you?" Time, of course. Not good enough for me. Time should never be the reason a person puts off their dreams. Because time goes too fast, and you never know when your time is up...until it is!

Last year, G turned 50 and I presented him with an introductory flight lesson as a gift. It took us a year to get the flight scheduled (yep, that time thing again...) but we did it. I don't know if he will decide to follow up and pursue his license or not, but at least he can say he's actually flown.

Of course, all of this has got me thinking about what I have always wanted to do that I've never done, but I just draw a blank. I know there are things my heart and soul want to do, but sometimes I feel like I need to take a sabbatical to uncover them again. Actually, a sabbatical sounds good. I've always wanted to take a year off and travel...But who has the time?

Lessons in Leadership

Sunday night through yesterday around 2:00, I was involved in a Leadership Academy as part of my job. No, that's not quite right. I applied for and was accepted to attend this prestigious Academy with 20 up-and-coming member-leaders and 5 other staff from my organization. It was a humbling, exhilarating and exhausting experience. I am still processing all the lessons, but I will share some of the nuggets I wrote down as the days progressed:


We shape how others treat us.

Listening is a way to contribute to humankind.

When you listen, beware changing the meaning of what they say to fit what you want to hear.

You have to build good people to build good companies.

When you screw up, don't dwell on it or stew in it. Set it aside and go on to your "next play"; work on the problem/mistake later when you have time and are in the proper frame of mind to do so. (Think of a basketball player who screwed up a play but can't stop the game to dwell in it or the game is lost. He must move on to the next play.)

We escape our lives through addictive behaviors to the extent that we don't like ourselves. The more authentic we are, and the more we like who we are the less we need to escape.

Figure out who you are and behave accordingly. Be honest and elevate whatever you are doing.

Budget your energy as well as your time.
Live in and act from your core.

The more you participate in life, the more you use all your senses, the more you communicate, the more relevant the information you take in and put out is to you the more you are functioning at your best.

To listen or not to listen. That is the real question. When you are unable to listen for any reason, be honest about it to the person who is trying to communicate. Only listen when you are able to really listen, and be selective - listen to things of significance first and with all of yourself.

In great organizations, every employee feels as if they have ownership.

Build a clean ego to be a great leader.

Seek first to understand and then to be understood.

Live each day by choice.

Change what you say or change what you do. Just pick one of the two.

Fair does not mean equal.

Become aware of and be willing to change your default reactions.

Own a room and command respect when you speak by towering, not cowering.

Ink it when you think it.

The best leader is not one who is served by the most people, but the one who serves the most people.

If you get strategy wrong, tactics and execution don't matter.

One of the biggest lessons of all was the concept of Prime Time for Prime Events - not giving away big chunks of time or energy to things that are not of prime importance to the job, the day, the relationship...More on that after I have processed it more.

Generation Consternation

My age is really in the spotlight for me this week, and not just physically. It's been a week where I'm really starting to feel the pinch of the generation gap in a way I haven't experienced before (as one of the "older" generation at my workplace.)


Our HR Director organized a Webinar yesterday about the Millennial generation, referenced by author Ron Alsop as "The Trophy Kids" because when they were in school, everyone was rewarded and praise was given for everything. Everyone was special. Therefore, this is a generation of people with an extremely high sense of self worth, a need for praise and feedback. My entire team is made up of Millennials. I love them but I'm struggling right now.


I'm Gen X. I'm so Gen X that for a very long time I refused to even claim I was Gen X because I didn't want to be labeled. I want to be seen as an individual, not part of a collective. How Gen X is that? When I was growing up there were winners and losers - not everyone who participated got a ribbon. You had to work to earn your rewards, and then they weren't always guaranteed. You had to struggle and compete to prove you were special. Individual work was the methodology. Group projects were hated because they weren't the "team" projects that the Millennials seem to tout, they were competitive, "my-idea-is-better-than-your-idea" power-struggles. The strong individuals always took over, and some of us went rogue and did our own thing to spite them. The over-arching cynicism of Gen X, I think, stems from the message we heard a lot: "What makes you think you're so special?"


Now that I'm a manager...a middle manager of Millennials being managed by another Gen Xer with a Boomer as the CEO...I am starting to have my share of "huh?" moments up and down the food chain. Although, I must admit that coming up in my career with Boomers in charge, I'm used to them. I know what to expect. I hate some of it, but I've been there done that. I know what I can get away with and how to push their buttons to get what I need and how to be obtuse or verbose enough to confuse them into agreeing if I have to sell. Working for another Xer is harder than I expected...mostly because I've never liked working FOR anyone anyway. It's just easier to be resentful of the Boomers and their nose-to-the-grindstone, 60-hour workweek mentalities than it is to one of my own who watches the clock as closely as I do.

And then there are my lovely Millennials, who flummox me with their drive and their checklists and time lines but whose spirits, ambition and ability to do 10 things at once I admire. I want to say I can relate to where they are coming from, but most of the time I'm not sure I can relate. I hear what they say, I hear what they want, I see the intention behind it all and I think I understand where it comes from but I'm having a hard time getting some of it to compute as it runs through my X filter...which is admittedly jaded and cynical.

What I struggle with the most is the responsibility that I feel about responding to the things the just don't quite compute with me. The only way I know how to respond is with the truth as I see it. But then I wonder how that computes with them, coming from the Gen X perspective it does...Hm...

An Inner-Body Experience...

I've always been one to live the majority of my life between my ears. Rarely do I find myself feeling at home in my body. And now that my body is starting to close doors on itself, it's really messing with my mind. Literally. I am fuzzy-headed. Forgetful. Irritable. Tired.

Earlier today my mind said to me, "Our body is deserting us." To which my intuition nearly instantly replied, "No, we've deserted it for too long. It's time to come home."

I am no longer able to live only in my head, because my body has taken over. It is speaking up now, saying, "Guess what, guys? You've had your fun. Now it's my turn!" And all my mind can do is drool and nod while the chemist inside mixes and matches various combinations of insanity and inanity, injecting them randomly into my blood stream.

My body is taking me for a ride, and I have no choice but to hang on and see where we go from here.

Party on, Wayne.

P.S. This is unrelated but nonetheless so awesome I had to share it.

A Big Transition

I ended up at the doctor's office this morning. I won't go into detail. Suffice it to say that the last few months being female has been less fun. I learned today that it is very possible that my body is undergoing it's own existential crisis: perimenopause.

Okay, so it's not really a crisis but my body is certainly sending me subtle and not so subtle indications that things, they are a-changing. And yet, knowing this is also serving to calm my mental crisis bells a bit.

A look at the list of symptoms puts a lot of what I was chalking up to information overload, stress, my own mental failings and just overall "losing it" can, interestingly, be attributed to "the change before The Change." These are the symptoms I can tick off the list and say yep, yep, yep (I'm not sharing the touchy ones that are non-of-your-business, so stop cringing and worrying that this will be TMI):

• Mood swings
• “Fuzzy thinking”
• Irritability
• Decreased energy and ambition
• Depression or mood swings
• Headaches
• Mental confusion

It makes me feel better that at least there might be a bio-chemical reason for my lapses and funkiness of late...Now, I wonder if there's any relief to be had or if I just have to wait the 5-13 years before I get my mind back (such as it is...)?

If You Don't Step in It, You Don't Know what You're Missing

In yesterday's post, I wrote about preparing for an uncomfortable conversation that was going to take place today. Isn't it funny how much energy and time we spend worried about conflict, when most of the best insights and growth come out of it?

I'm the first one to admit that I am conflict-avoidant by nature. I used to make myself sick to avoid conflicts. I'm not sure what happened, but one day I realized that most conflicts are not that big a deal...not nearly the big deals we make them in our heads. And I've managed to alter my preferred conflict style from avoidant to collaborative for the most part. As much as I hate the THOUGHT of confrontation and conflict, I find that when I am in it and surrendered to the fact that it is happening, I find it fascinating and I always grow more by engaging with conflicts than disengaging from them.

Here's an article I found about the positive aspects of conflict.

The other thing I learned today that is maybe even more important, is that people are so much smarter and more wise than we give them credit for on a daily basis, but sometimes it takes conflict to make us really look at them. It's easy to judge people at face value based on everyday interactions, but those everyday interactions almost never allow you to really get to know the true core of someone, what makes them tick, what makes them special.

It's easy to label people as stupid, clueless, lazy, bitchy or a variety of other things that makes them into objects which are easy to dismiss. It's harder, more demanding, but much more rewarding to actually see the person for his/her humanity, to see what's going on underneath the face they put on and the words they use. People, for the most part, want to be known for who they are but are intensely guarded about sharing.

Conflict, if it is healthy, helps us bridge that gap, gives us a place to share and sometimes opens the doors and allows us to begin to heal the wounds that may have spawned the conflict in the first place.

Being Right vs. Being Honest

At the end of my post about irreverence last week, I mentioned that I had accidentally sent a snarky email to the very subject of my snarkiness. While I somewhat enjoyed the karmic implications and the amazing comic timing of the universe in that boo-boo, I did not enjoy knowing that I had hurt someone. Even if this person is someone I don't particularly like, that person did not deserve to be on the receiving end of my passive-aggressive commentary.

I am having lunch with the recipient of my offense tomorrow at her request. She claims she wants to know what was behind it and if there is a perception issue she can address and change. She claims she wants to grow. I am skeptical. This is a very difficult person, one who I am fairly certain "buys her own hype." (Thank you to my friend Kisha DeSandies for that phrase, which I find brilliant.) In short, her level of self-awareness is painfully low.

Because of that, I find I have been "rehearsing" for this lunch since last week when I sent the stupid email, because I know it is going to be a difficult conversation. I actually like difficult conversations, believe it or not, because they can certainly lead to growth that might not happen otherwise, but ONLY...ONLY if I start that conversation with the understanding that the person on the receiving end not only gets it, but wants it. I am unsure about this person's ability to get it and again, am skeptical about whether she really wants the truth.

I am also rehearsing because I tend to get nervous in these situations and fear that I will lose or forget all of my points in the heat of the emotion...Which means I am trying to be right instead of honest. If I am honest, it will come out in the right way at the right time.

So, even though it makes me nervous, this conversation needs to happen organically. If I am rehearsed, it will not be authentic or honest. And I owe her that much for being brave enough to ask. Who knows, she might surprise me if I can stop being such a curmudgeon and stop myself from wanting to be "right" when I know what I did was wrong.

Visioning

Over the weekend I made a vision board. I have it in my closet, next to the mirror I use every morning. Every time I look at it, I see something different but it always makes me feel good.


I have never made a vision board before. I'm not sure why since I am artistic, love to whack up magazines for art purposes and do believe in the law of attraction.

It was a really fun exercise, and I'm interested to see if it was more than that. Interested in doing your own? Christine Kane wrote the book on them.

Enjoy!

The Paradox of Irreverence

I have been told I have a wonderfully irreverent sense of humor. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, irreverent means "lacking proper respect or seriousness." I wonder about that. If I think something is ridiculous that others think it is VERY SERIOUS does it show a lack of proper respect to make a joke about it? Where is the line? What is "proper" respect anyway? I've always had a hard time putting on a show of respect for things that I really don't respect.

I also struggle with the affect my irreverence might have on my image, especially with those for whom I am supposed to be "setting a good example." Let's face it, irreverence and it's sisters snarkiness, sarcasm and passive-aggression do run the risk of being perceived as negativity. And if you are "setting a good example" it is expected, I suppose, that you be positive. But, again, does being positive mean you can't disagree or make a joke about something? I think not.

To me, irreverence is productive...maybe even positive...in that it allows an outlet for frustration. If I can cork off with a humorously spun irreverent remark now and then instead of swallowing all of my "disrespect" for something, I don't build up a well of resentment. (At least not as deep a well.) To me, it provides an outlet for a least a tiny squeak of the truth amid what usually amounts to the great manure pile of false reverence and pretending we do as a culture. If you can't see the inane and have a laugh at it's expense, I'm clocking out.

But I also know irreverence can be misinterpreted and must be used carefully. So I still wonder sometimes if I run the risk of being labeled as a bad influence or someone who doesn't take things seriously enough. (I think too many things are taken too seriously, to be honest.) Then again, irreverent humor is part of who I am authentically and being a good leader means being authentically who I am without apologies, so I suppose if I find myself in a place where I feel I am not "allowed" my irreverence, then I know it's not the place for me.

Side note: I started this post this morning. Little did I know that shortly before I started to write this, a snarky and irreverent email I had sent to a former employee had, in fact, been sent to her boss who just so happened to be the subject of said snarky and irreverent email and who is still monitoring the former employee's old email account. This resulted in a very awkward encounter with the injured party and much gnashing of teeth and wringing of hands on my part.

The karmic implications and irony are not lost on me here. In fact, now that I am over the initial gnashing and wringing part, I am actually laughing inside at myself and how brilliant the universe is about taking the softballs we lob with our minds and knocking them out of the cosmic park in a major way. Gotta love it.

The Peanut Butter in the Organizational Sandwich

Once again today I found myself feeling overwhelmed with both the volume and content of requests, issues, needs and - let's face it, demands - pulling me to and fro. And as usual, my main struggle was not so much in managing everything, although that is certainly a struggle. No, my main struggle as always were my feelings of stress and helplessness and unhelpfulness and stuck-in-the-middleness that come with being a middle manager.

As I processed all of this on the way home (aka. ground my teeth and held my breath and called other drivers the worst names I could come up with) I realized that I am neither the ultimate do-er nor the ultimate decider for nearly 100% of the things that cross my desk, er, screen. If you have never been in this place, it is a special kind of purgatory.

When I was the ultimate do-er, the tactician of tasks, I could at least feel some accomplishment in the getting done of things, as stressful as getting to the point of checking them off the list might have been in some cases. Now I am not the tactician anymore. Those who do the doing on my team are ultimately superior to me in nearly all forms of task completion, and thank goodness because they are doing 99.5% of the tasks.

And, while I do decide things here and there that help my do-ers do, I am not, for the most part the one who sets the direction for all that doing. That is done a level above me. And so what I am managing is the doing of the tasks by others according to the direction set by others.

Drawing from my old days on the stage (and I mean really old days), I now draw on the character actor's lament: what's my motivation??

My main motivation, aside from getting paid of course, is to help my staff check off their tasks so they can feel accomplished so that I can then report up the food chain that the check marks have been made and then go back to my folks with the next set of check marks. Oh wait, that's not my motivation at all. In fact, that makes me want to have a drink to forget that is actually what my "career" has come to...

But I digress. My main point here was to posit that middle management goes against nature. It is not in the nature of the human being nor the nature of the general functionality of the human mind to be neither focused on the end goal nor the details but on some nebulous, ever morphing grey area of "process" in between. Neither doing, nor deciding.

It just doesn't work. Not for me at least. Being the peanut butter in the organizational sandwich is no picnic my friend.

Forced Learning vs. Authenic Learning

Did you ever notice, how there are some lessons you just have a hard time retaining or remembering while other things seem to integrate themselves naturally into your psyche the first time? There are some things - like using a spreadsheet or...algebra - that I can learn, and have learned, but I seem to have to practice over and over in order to really learn. And then, if any time passes at all after the initial learning, I have to refresh or relearn them once again. These tend to be things that I HAVE to learn because they are required by a job, course or task rather than things I CHOOSE to or am drawn to learn. I call this forced learning.

There are other things that just completely make sense to me the first time. These are the things I am drawn to learn and choose to learn. They sometimes come with an A-HA! But not always a big one. These things seem to become part of me and my mental vocabulary almost instantly; I don't have to try to learn them, and I don't have to worry about forgetting them. They just sync within me - forging connections, making synaptic pathways and opening doors to even more curiosity and learning. I call this authentic learning or intuitive learning.

Authentic or intuitive learning comes when a lesson is relevant and speaks to me on a soul level. I am drawn to learn some things because they help me to be more of who I am, as opposed to the things I feel forced to learn because they help me to do a task. I remember the things that help my being. I forget the things that focus on doing.

Lately I have been worried about my memory, and fear that being over-stressed is causing me to be unfocused. But I realize now that it's not my memory that is the issue. There's just so much pulling at me that wants doing that just isn't relevant to me at my core: contracts, work processes, car taxes.

Who wants to remember those things? Yes, they get things done - things that are likely relevant and soulful to someone else (otherwise we'd all be the same, and I'm so glad we're not!) But should I spend a lot of my mental energy stressing about them? Why? When I can be using my intuition to scan this wide world for sources of energy and learning that feed my authentic self.

Ahhh...What a nice shift in perspective!

Happy weekend everyone!

A Break from the Noise

In today's over-stimluating world, it seems to me that less and less of what surroundeds us on a second-to-second basis is nourishing to our bodies, minds and souls. It is getting more and more complex to have a life these days. It feels often times like the burgeoning to-do list involved in trying to feed, house and transport our bodies takes prescedence over our beingness - being healthy, being present, being whole. And the less we are being, the less we are being...You follow?


One of my ways of dealing with the overwhelm without actually dealing with the fact that I am overwhelmed, is to revert to habitual, compulsive behaviors designed to help me escape the noise. Most of the time these methods only add to and exacerbate the feeling of TOO MUCH.

Media consumption is one of those things. I turn the TV on for background noise while I get ready in the morning or make dinner at night; the radio is going anytime I am in the car; I have three browser windows open on my computer and often have my headphones on with music going at the same time....all so I can "escape" for a few minutes. For a highly sensitive person, like me, this is akin to being assaulted. And yet, I do it to myself - by choice - all the time.

On my way back to the office from lunch today, for example, I habitually turned on the radio. It was a talk program about sex addiction. The longer I listened, the more tense I became. I turned it off and said to myself, outloud: "This is not nurturing. It's noise." The silence and moments of reflection that followed were so restorative and refreshing...I used to spend a lot of time in quiet. What happened?

My project for the weekend will be to turn off or away from anything that is pure noise - visual, auditory or informational - nothing is safe. Everything has an off switch or can be put away...except for my tired little brain. And it needs a break.

Thought Balloons

Today was an introvert's hell. From the moment I walked in the door until just now - 20 minutes until the close of the day - I did not get one single moment to think, process, breathe, let go, take a mental break. I started out editing a 24-page policy and process manual and then went into a series of meetings and calls without a moment to spare. Not even lunch. (We had a department carry-in lunch, which was fun, but it required me to interact. I usually use my lunch break to get out of the office, step back mentally and refresh myself in preparation for the afternoon.)

Now I feel like my head is full of balloons, all bouncing around against each other, creating static and that awful squeak that comes with the friction of balloon-on-balloon contact. Each of the projects and to do items on my ever expanding list is it's own balloon, all appearing larger in mass than they are in substance and all creating a feeling of fullness and noise in my head that is quite unpleasant.

It makes everything feel...well...inflated.

At times like these, I actually look forward to a quiet stop-and-go drive home to decompress. I might even send some of those baloons out the window as I go.

Pro-crastination

I am a personality test junkie. I admit it. I know it annoys the concrete-sequentials of the world who find categorizing themselves somewhat redundant and completly pointless. But I love me a good personality test. Mostly because I think it helps me to have something to point at to say, "SEE, I'm not so weird. I fit in here..."

My coach turned me on to the Enneagram. I took it and discovered I am a Type 4: The Individualist. This should not be a surprise to anyone who knows me. Here's an excerpt from the profile of a Type 4:

Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.

Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance
Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an
identity)


And if that didn't seal the deal that this is so me, there's this part:

We have named this type The Individualist because Fours maintain their identity by seeing themselves as fundamentally different from others. Fours feel that they are unlike other human beings, and consequently, that no one can understand them or love them adequately. They often see themselves as uniquely talented, possessing special, one-of-a-kind gifts, but also as uniquely disadvantaged or flawed. More than any other type, Fours are acutely aware of and focused on their personal differences and deficiencies.

So in reviewing the profile in detail, I found a section called Personal Growth which reviews the places where I, and those other rare 4s like me (but they can't really be just like me because I am a 4...) could stand to learn a few things. I won't go into detail, but it basically says:

1. Do not pay so much attention to your feelings; they are not a true source of support for you
2. Avoid putting off things until you are "in the right mood."
3. Self-esteem and self-confidence will develop only from having positive experiences, whether or not you believe that you are ready to have them.
4. Practice healthy self-discipline and stay with it
5. Avoid lengthy conversations in your imagination, particularly if they are negative, resentful, or even excessively romantic.

Dammit. Right between the eyes! Every one of those is balls-on accurate. (Sorry for the word choice, it's Friday and I'm feeling saucy.) The one that is nailing me today is #2. I totally procrastinate just about everything until I am in the right mood. And I am rarely in the right mood for some things to ever get done.

Like the work I am not doing right now...Although I prefer to think of what I am doing now as pro-crastination, because if I am not focused or in the proper fram of mind, I won't be pro-ductive, so it's a "pro" that I am putting it off and not a "con." Ya see that logic. ;-) AND it helps me to believe I am having a positive experience (see #4) and will help me avoid the lengthy resentful conversation in my head that would result if I did the work when I wasn’t in the mood.

Right now I am in the mood to hit the road. Mission pro-crastination accomplished. Time for a cocktail.

From Un to Fun?

I am having an un day.
Uninspired.
Unmotivated.
Unfocused.
Unwilling.
Uncreative.
Uncomfortable.
Unfriendly.
Unaccepting.
Uncompelled.
Uncertain.
Unattractive.
Unbecoming.
And all the other un words that are unflattering.

But now I look again at the word unbecoming. I know what it's dictionary definition is and how it is tyipically used as an adjective to describe something that is unsuitable. But if you take the word apart and consider it literally, as a verb let's say it's kind of a wake-up call. Am I really unbecoming? Hmm...perhaps by focusing on the negatives of how I am being now - all the uns, ifs and buts - I actually stop becoming and do become unbecoming.

I don't want to UN-become, to become less. That sounds like shrivling up, becoming smaller. I want to become more, larger (well not larger all around just in my way of living), greater. And to be honest, I want this becoming to be more fun.

That's it! I want to FUN-become! I want to feel it is fun becoming who I am becoming, what I am becoming, as I am becoming.

While I'm fun-becoming perhaps that will help me also to be:
Fun-inspired.
Fun-motivated.
Fun-focused.
Fun-willing.
Fun-creative.
Fun-comfortable.
Fun-friendly.
Fun-accepting.
Fun-compelled.
Fun-certain.
Fun-attractive.

Sounds fun...

I Think Our Big Picture Needs Restoration

One of the hardest things for me to do when I am in a funk is to motivate myself to do things I am not inspired to do even on my best day. This week I am in a funk for a number of reasons. I am feeling the need for some space and time away from the push and pull of the daily grind to process some of what's happening inside me, but my sense of responsibility keeps me rooted to my chair, feeling anxious, irritable and resistant.


Then I read articles like this one about disgruntled employees. And I start to judge myself, holding up all the ways in which I am failing, disappointing people, setting a poor example or not being responsible. My hamster-wheel mind goes into a frenzy of frustration, self-doubt, judgement, helplessness, anger and blame. I see myself in these words:


"Though the work itself can be rewarding, the employees’ managers might be causing dissatisfaction. Be certain that the managers themselves are motivated to keep employees informed, recognize their contributions, reward outstanding performance, deal with problems constructively, and model the behaviors they expect of others."


I read that and feel like there's a bulls eye on my forehead. But how can I motivate the people who work for me when things continually change, often in ways that I don't even support??!! Or worse, when my boss and her boss have no idea how to motivate me to then motivate my staff?


The paradox here is that what I really want to do is work on issues just like the one we are facing at my organization today...I just don't want to be working in the organization while working on the issue. It's hard to be a part of something that is a problem without being able to also be apart from it in a way that is critical (to me) to find resolution. I need to step back and not be so entrenched. I am too close to this. I really do care about supporting my people. I find myself looking for gimmicks, techniques, tools something to grasp at and implement to help me feel like I am helping my team, to show them I am engaged, despite my desire to disengage altogether.


I notice that what I want to disengage from, however, is not my team or supporting them in doing the good detailed doing they do. I want to disengage from doing the detailed doing that I am supposed to do on top of the big-picture managing. I have been told that it is impossible to think big and think small at the same time. That seems true to me. The more in the weeds I get, the more I lose sight of the field, the horizon. And also, I realize that the organization's big-picture is getting muddied with too many fingerprints, which makes it harder and harder to reference as a point of inspiration...

We need to either start with a clean canvas or have some serious restoration work done to strip away all of the extraneous markings and heal the scratches so that we can see the big picture again more clearly...

Chock full a meetings

I haven't have a moment to think this week. I've been in meetings and on calls all week. I hate weeks like this. But this one is blessedly nearly over.

So, I'm sorry for the hole in my posting lately. But rest assured, I will be back. In my meeting on Monday, I compiled a very long list of topics to blog about when I wasn't in a meeting...

Happy weekend all, and happy one-year to my new left knee.

Working out is not working out...

The Curves I go to changed their gym hours for the summer. I was in a rhythm, going at noon Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Maybe not all three days every week, but I did my best and usually made it at least two of the three days each week. In June, they changed their hours and close from 12:30-4:00 in the afternoon, I suppose to avoid the heat of the day and save energy.

That means to get there in time to change my clothes and get my workout in before they close, I have to leave the office at 11:30. Most days, there is no way that is going to happen. Most days I have meetings that start at 11:00. So my summer workout schedule has not been good...

Now, I COULD go at night. They reopen from 4:00-8:00. But that would require me to go home, take care of the dogs, change and drive back to the gym, which is near my office. The part of me that likes things to be smooth and easy and would rather play or rest does not like this idea. The part of me that does not like excuses and thinks I should be perfect and that tortures me with barbs about my "fattitude" does not the idea that I am making excuses and not being perfect about working out and calls my attention to my muffin top. It runs tapes in my head of the club manager saying that I won't get results if I don't go. "I KNOW THAT BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF MY LIFE?" whines the part that wants balance.

I get obsessive about things. I've been obsessing about my weight ever since I saw pictures of myself from my high school reunion. I see I'm bigger than I want to be and I want to say I'm working on it. I'm sort of working on it. I'm making some better choices about food. I'm walking the dog two miles a day. But I'm not counting calories. I'm not going vegetarian. I'm not giving up wine. I'm not going to the gym when its not convenient.

And I'm winding myself up about this, when the reality is in three weeks Curves will go back to it's regular hours and I'll be able to go back during lunch again. So, it's not working out for me to work out as much as my inner gym teacher would like me to work out right now. I think maybe I'll be okay. Maybe. But I'll still feel guilty.

Free Time vs. Bonus Time

We had an insane storm here yesterday. It blew in at 3:30 and the worst was over by 4:00 but it took out trees, cars, houses and power in one fell swoop. Watching from my window, it looked like a snapshot of the time I watched Hurricane Katrina blow in on Key West (only a category one at the time, but that was enough hurricane for my lifetime.)

The power went out at the office about 4:00. We all stood around in the dark for half an hour before trekking home. I live about 10 miles from the office and you could barely tell there had been a storm at my house, but the drive home, through my old neighborhood of Del Ray, was surreal. Most of that area is still in the dark, and likely will be for a while as the clean up of tree debris goes on.

From the reports on the news this morning, I was sure there would be no power at the office today. I logged on from home and checked my e-mail. No word. So I took my dog for a walk. On the walk I all but convinced myself it was a BONUS DAY, a day of "working from home" while barely working. Being able to laze around unwashed and play, meditate, paint or whatever suited my fancy while once in a while checking in on e-mail and sitting in on my two scheduled conference calls. The prospect of bonus time is thrilling, an unexpected gift.

Unfortunately, I came back from walking the dog to find an e-mail that the power was on at the office. With the wind having gone out of my sails, I drug myself through the rest of my normal morning routine, mourning the loss of my bonus time.

Now, tomorrow is Saturday, a free day - meaning a day without scheduled toil. I have no plans, except maybe to exercise. My boyfriend is out of town, so I'm alone. I don't really even have any errands that HAVE to be done. In a sense, it's a completely wide open day. You would think that this prospect would fill me with the same kind of thrill as the prospect of a bonus day today. But no.

Thinking about the wide-openness of the weekend, for some reason, has a different energy to it. It's free time, but it's not special free time. It's not a surprise gift. It's open space that I knew was coming and, to be honest, am not sure what to do with, which makes me feel all the more anxious to fill it. Whereas the prospect of a full, unscheduled day of not doing which I was hoping for today made me feel luxurious and lazy and full of anticipation for the relaxation to come. Maybe it's the feeling of being "off" when others are "on" that I like; the vibe of slacking and freedom that I don't get on a run-of-the-mill weekend...

I wonder how I can imbue a regular Saturday with that same bonus day feeling. Maybe what I want is the feeling of taking a day off instead being given one...Hm...Now I may be on to something there. Can I "take" Saturday off, or does it not work that way? I'll test it and see.

Happy weekend to you all!

Gap the Mind

As an introvert and highly-sensitive person (HSP), I have A LOT of mental noise. Everything I experience, I inernalize to process later. I describe this to people who don't know what I mean (hello my uber-extroverted friends!) by describing it as a mental game of Tetris. I take in all the chunks of information, stimulus, feedback, experiences that come my way, save them up in my mind and my body and then examine them and find out where they fit later on, discarding what doesn't matter and saving the rest for future examination. Additionally, I internalize experiences BEFORE they happen, anticipating scenarios and "rehearsing" interactions to help create some context so that I am not completely overwhelmed by stimuli...It doesn't always work and often backfires. Honestly all of this is exhausting, but it is how I am wired and have learned to survive in this loud and extroverted world.


I am also high-strung by nature. One time when I was seeking help for what I perceived as an abnormal reaction to life's stimuli, I actually had a doctor tell me, "Some people's central nervous systems just fire faster than others. It's not personality, it's not something you can or should change. It's biology." Accepting that fact really helped me understand that what is "normal" for some is not normal for me, and that "normal" is not a guidepost I should be concerned about.


Combining my introversion/HSP personality with my quick-firing central nervous system means I am a person whose mind is rarely at peace and who is rarely grounded in the present. I'm usually processing the past or preparing for the future. The times my mind goes quiet are the times I know something very important, or very scary (sometimes both) is happening...or the times when I am so overloaded that I just shut down.



I've tried to practice meditation, and it works as long as I can get through the excrutiating first few minutes where my mind literally goes into panic mode. My mind does not like a gap in its activity. It does not WANT to be still, to count breathes. It starts to WHAT IF and IF ONLY me. But I can tell it craves a gap because one of the recurring thoughts I have is "I just want everything to stop!" I know my spirit, my soul, my whole entire being other than my mind craves a gap in the incessant data crunching and "nexting" that my mind is so attached to.



And really, now that I think about it, my mind should not be in charge at all. Being stuck in my head is how I get myself into states like I am in now, amped up and paralyzed at the same time. If it were up to my mind, I would be freaking out, shutting down, wigging out and collapsing in upon myself at any given moment. Thank goodness for my poker face and the little voice of my soul that continues to whisper the truth...Sometimes I can even hear it amid the din.



Time to gap the mind and see what's real.

The next best thing to meaning...

(Yes, I've abandoned my boat/water metaphor naming scheme. It was cute when I started, but it was time to change.)

I'm new to this whole blogesphere, but I'm starting to get into it. One leads to another and the insights are everywhere.

Recently I ran across this post by blogger Jeffrey Tang that threatens to end my existential crisis if I can embrace it. In the post, Tang asserts, "Looking for meaning is how we distract ourselves in the downtime between interesting experiences."

And I think he must be right. Maybe my existential crisis isn't so much a crisis of meaning as it is a pattern of perpetual boredom. Maybe I don't need to find the meaning of life or the perfect vocation for me so much as I need to do something more interesting...

Thinking that way gives a whole different energy to my intention as I am letting go of my current trapeze bar and hanging in midair waiting for the next one...

You’re either on board, or you’re not

I just heard that very phrase again this morning. I’ve heard it many
times in my career when an unpopular decision is made by those in
charge and the people “down below” begin to grumble…Usually they are
grumbling, not because of the decision per se, but because they
weren’t involved in the conversation about the decision, were not
given the respect and opportunity to give their input and feel the
decision was made in secret, behind closed doors. Whether their
feedback would be taken or not is mostly irrelevant. It’s the
asking…the consideration, the empathy to put people over processes,
especially since processes need people to get done.


That killer phrase is never delivered directly to me, because I play
the role of one who is on board. But most of the time I am not on
board, at least not 100%. And hearing that phrase makes me want to
jump overboard.


I have to take responsibility for my own attitude and my own part of
this. And right now I feel guilty. Guilty for not speaking up about
things that I have seen that are ridiculous. Guilty for speaking up
about these things to the wrong people in a negative, subversive and
passive-aggressive way. Guilty for being immature. Guilty for not
having the courage or respect for everyone to speak up even if it
would do no good.


So this is yet another theme that arises and follows me. Go along to
get along. “Get on board or get out.” What assumptions and beliefs are
tied to this pattern that I need to examine, to question?


The most obvious item to me is my relationship with authority.
Because I internalized years ago that to respect authority means not
to question it, I learned that I must dissent “in private” which
manifested as passive-aggressive rebellion. This belief and the
subsequent reaction do not serve me any more. I need to grow in this
regard. Rise above and use my voice.


I won’t go down with the ship. Not like that.

Losing sight of the shore

I had an ah-ha moment this morning while walking the dog. (I always
get the best insights either on walks or while driving.) Before I
share the ah-ha, you need the backstory.


In my work with my coach, mentor and friend, MaryJane Bullen, earlier
this year, we identified two metaphors. One was a metaphor around how
I was feeling at the time in my work – a pack mule. The second was a
metaphor for how I wanted to be going forward, what I aspired to be –
a trapeze artist.


I felt, at the time and sometimes still, like a pack mule. Everyone
would pile things on my back and along I would plod, head down,
bearing the burden and making sure to stay on the path. Despite being
somewhat stubborn beasts of burden, pack mules do have some good
points – they are strong and sure-footed. Sometimes my pack mule
served me and those around me, as I am strong and often serve to be
the grounding force for others on my team.


The pack mule metaphor was easy for me to come up with. It sprang
forth almost instantly when MaryJane asked how I felt. But in terms of
how I aspired to feel, I was stuck. My pack mule was comfortable. And
then MaryJane gave me this essay about transition using a trapeze
metaphor and it really hit home.


I’ve been thinking about that ever since and working with and around,
specifically, the part of the essay where author Danaan Perry talks
about the emptiness, the void, when we let go of one metaphorical
trapeze bar and reach for the next. He says, “transformation of fear
may have nothing to do with making fear go away, but rather with
giving ourselves permission to “hang out” in the transition between
trapezes. Transforming our need to grab that new bar, any bar, is
allowing ourselves to dwell in the only place where change really
happens. It can be terrifying. It can also be enlightening in the true
sense of the word. Hurtling through the void, we just may learn how to
fly.”


Ever since I read that, I have wanted to let go and hurtle through the
void. But the fear keeps me holding on, sometimes with both hands and
sometimes just barely with one finger, to my current bar.


So today, walking the dog, I was again visualizing myself and my
trapeze bar…my trapeze bar that sometimes isn’t really that far off
the ground and sometimes has a pack mule hanging off of it… And I
started musing as I do from time to time, about letting go of it and
trusting that what is next will support me. Then it came to me. Being
where I am isn’t what’s keeping me from letting go. It’s my energy and
my intentions that have been hanging on and keeping me down. I’ve been
so attached to my pack mule ways that even the IDEA of letting go and
flying into the void was enough to shut me down. I couldn’t even
visualize the space in which what is next could manifest because I was
so attached to the pack mule version of my story that the next thing,
the next path to trod, had to be in sight before I could let myself
let go.


Today, I gave my energy, my spirit, permission to be free and I set
the intention of letting go and hanging out in the void even as I am
physically still here doing the daily doings. “You don’t have to quit
or drop out to invite and encourage change,” my wise, still, small
voice said to me today. “You just have to let your energy go, set it
free to find the next bar for you. ” So that’s what I’m doing.


"We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight
of the shore." --Anonymous

Floundering

I’m feeling a significant amount of anxiety right now. The underlying
tension is almost too much to stand. I want to move. My natural
inclination, though is to move away from the source of tension, to
escape. And yet the tension seems to follow me, leading me to believe
there is no escape AND that the way I am approaching (or rather
retreating from) what is happening continues to perpetuate the cycle.
I want to change the way I react, to unlearn my habit of flight when
things at work get to feeling icky.


I want to examine moving toward not away. I want to lean into
opportunity disguised as discomfort instead of recoiling in dread or
disgust. I want to get curious instead of nervous.


I’m starting to see some parallels in other areas of my life that
might help. Building new habits is just like building muscles. I
exercise at my local Curves two to three times a week. For quite a
while, I was not able to exercise due to the complete disintegration
of my left knee. But now I have a new knee and a new lease on
activity. Getting through that was harder than I though it would be,
but I literally took it one step at a time and now I am more mobile
than I have been for a very long time. Through that recovery process,
I had a lot of resistance – physical and mental…but mostly emotional.
No one wants to be in pain, to have to push through it. But in order
to recover and get stronger, you must. So I did. But then again,
escape wasn’t an issue. I couldn’t get away from that pain. It was a
part of me. Is the tension I am internalizing around work a part of
me too? If so, how do I get that replaced? It’s not as if I can
replace an attitude like a surgeon replaces a joint. Or can I?


The Curves workout is a circuit. Each station isolates on one or two
muscle groups for 30 seconds, using resistance training. The harder
you push, the more resistance the machine creates and the better the
work-out. At the end of the 30 seconds, an automated recording prompts
everyone on the circuit to ”change stations now.” If I have pushed
as hard as I can against the machine’s resistance, I am SO relieved to
hear those words. After each machine is a “recovery station”,
basically just a board that you march or jog, or stand panting on to
allow the muscles to recover for 30 seconds before moving on to the
next station at the cue.


I realize that the Curves process of tension -> resistance -> work ->
release -> change -> recover -> repeat is similar to the cycle I go
through at work…except I never allow myself to release to accept the
change or recover after all that tensing, resisting, working and
changing. I just go from tension to resistance to work and
repeat…with change happening intermittantly and sometimes covertly in
and among and around all of that.


Hmm…That’s sure some metaphorical food for thought. And now back to my
regularly scheduled floundering.