Gently down the stream…

I am procrastinating writing performance reviews for my staff. It’s
not that the reviews themselves are particularly arduous or that my
staff are in any way difficult to review. In fact, aside from a few
small hiccups that are only to be expected with growing staffers, they
are really a gift to me in terms of their passion and dedication and
all-around awesomeness.


Really, reviewing them tends to feed my existential crisis, because I
do not feel as though I am as passionate, as dedicated, as awesome at
my current career as I believe someone should be who holds my title,
my salary (which really should be bigger…ha) and has as many years of
experience as I do. I feel guilty for taking up space in a position
and an organization that could benefit from someone who really felt
invested, was fired up and really plugged in and jazzed to be in the
field.


But the truth is, I took this job two years ago having already
committed to myself that it would be the last stop on this current
career path. I’m fried. Burnt. Toast. I really just don’t have it in
me. This job is not who I am, does not speak to any tiny bit of me
authentically. I don’t want to learn all the new things that are
happening in the field (too much technology too many moving pieces,
too few brain cells!) I certainly don’t want to continue to pretend I
find reward in spinning words and concepts and, let’s face it
sometimes just plan nonsense, with the intent to … well let’s not
sugarcoat it … manipulate people into taking actions that I don’t
necessarily care if they take and/or don’t support.


Which is why I am on the path I am now. The path to clarity around
what it is that is next for me. Two weeks ago, I spent an amazing,
exhausting, painful, joyful week at the NTL Institute’s Human
Interaction Laboratory in Silver Spring, MD. Imagine being put in a
room with 7 strangers with no agenda except to learn about yourself,
learn about groups and learn about yourself in groups. We spent 6
hours a day for 5 days in our group struggling with this and growing
from it.


The HI Lab opened my eyes to many things about myself, the roles I
play and the gifts I bring to groups I am a part of. I am still
processing it all and the learning keeps percolating, but these are
the things I shared with my mentor and coach MaryJane Bullen:

I see and hear things that other people don’t see and hear - patterns
of behavior, inflections, choice of words, body language – and I am
willing to name it and call it out.

When I do this, it resonates with other members of the group who were
feeling something but couldn’t see it, hear it or name it.
I bring a groundedness to a group because I am able to see the group
as a unit made up of unique individuals, and I am able to see the
individuals for more than the “stuff” that they bring to the group
space.

People feel supported by me and engaged when I participate. They want
me to hold back less and contribute more. (I tend to hold back and not
contribute for fear of being labeled as one who is over ambitious, has
an agenda, or won’t shut up…That’s all my “stuff” …stuff that bothers
me about other people in groups.)

It’s hard not to want to leap into motion and try to force myself into
identifying what’s next on the heels of all of this learning. Often I
want to run right past the what straight to the how, somehow hoping
that if I can figure out HOW to change that WHAT I change will be
right…But that’s what I’ve always done, and the old addage is true: If
you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you
always got.



And so, MaryJane, in her infinite and very supportive wisdom, has
given me the task to not figure out how or what to do or to change,
but to just be – until the Autumnal Equinox: Thursday, September 23 -
just be while holding the intention that I will be more clear on the
what, if not the how, by that time.


So that’s where I am. Floating gently (sometimes not so gently) down
the stream in hopes that clarity will come.


And now, back to performance reviews for my passionate, dedicated and
awesome staff…