Once again today I found myself feeling overwhelmed with both the volume and content of requests, issues, needs and - let's face it, demands - pulling me to and fro. And as usual, my main struggle was not so much in managing everything, although that is certainly a struggle. No, my main struggle as always were my feelings of stress and helplessness and unhelpfulness and stuck-in-the-middleness that come with being a middle manager.
As I processed all of this on the way home (aka. ground my teeth and held my breath and called other drivers the worst names I could come up with) I realized that I am neither the ultimate do-er nor the ultimate decider for nearly 100% of the things that cross my desk, er, screen. If you have never been in this place, it is a special kind of purgatory.
When I was the ultimate do-er, the tactician of tasks, I could at least feel some accomplishment in the getting done of things, as stressful as getting to the point of checking them off the list might have been in some cases. Now I am not the tactician anymore. Those who do the doing on my team are ultimately superior to me in nearly all forms of task completion, and thank goodness because they are doing 99.5% of the tasks.
And, while I do decide things here and there that help my do-ers do, I am not, for the most part the one who sets the direction for all that doing. That is done a level above me. And so what I am managing is the doing of the tasks by others according to the direction set by others.
Drawing from my old days on the stage (and I mean really old days), I now draw on the character actor's lament: what's my motivation??
My main motivation, aside from getting paid of course, is to help my staff check off their tasks so they can feel accomplished so that I can then report up the food chain that the check marks have been made and then go back to my folks with the next set of check marks. Oh wait, that's not my motivation at all. In fact, that makes me want to have a drink to forget that is actually what my "career" has come to...
But I digress. My main point here was to posit that middle management goes against nature. It is not in the nature of the human being nor the nature of the general functionality of the human mind to be neither focused on the end goal nor the details but on some nebulous, ever morphing grey area of "process" in between. Neither doing, nor deciding.
It just doesn't work. Not for me at least. Being the peanut butter in the organizational sandwich is no picnic my friend.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Forced Learning vs. Authenic Learning
Did you ever notice, how there are some lessons you just have a hard time retaining or remembering while other things seem to integrate themselves naturally into your psyche the first time? There are some things - like using a spreadsheet or...algebra - that I can learn, and have learned, but I seem to have to practice over and over in order to really learn. And then, if any time passes at all after the initial learning, I have to refresh or relearn them once again. These tend to be things that I HAVE to learn because they are required by a job, course or task rather than things I CHOOSE to or am drawn to learn. I call this forced learning.
There are other things that just completely make sense to me the first time. These are the things I am drawn to learn and choose to learn. They sometimes come with an A-HA! But not always a big one. These things seem to become part of me and my mental vocabulary almost instantly; I don't have to try to learn them, and I don't have to worry about forgetting them. They just sync within me - forging connections, making synaptic pathways and opening doors to even more curiosity and learning. I call this authentic learning or intuitive learning.
Authentic or intuitive learning comes when a lesson is relevant and speaks to me on a soul level. I am drawn to learn some things because they help me to be more of who I am, as opposed to the things I feel forced to learn because they help me to do a task. I remember the things that help my being. I forget the things that focus on doing.
Lately I have been worried about my memory, and fear that being over-stressed is causing me to be unfocused. But I realize now that it's not my memory that is the issue. There's just so much pulling at me that wants doing that just isn't relevant to me at my core: contracts, work processes, car taxes.
Who wants to remember those things? Yes, they get things done - things that are likely relevant and soulful to someone else (otherwise we'd all be the same, and I'm so glad we're not!) But should I spend a lot of my mental energy stressing about them? Why? When I can be using my intuition to scan this wide world for sources of energy and learning that feed my authentic self.
Ahhh...What a nice shift in perspective!
Happy weekend everyone!
There are other things that just completely make sense to me the first time. These are the things I am drawn to learn and choose to learn. They sometimes come with an A-HA! But not always a big one. These things seem to become part of me and my mental vocabulary almost instantly; I don't have to try to learn them, and I don't have to worry about forgetting them. They just sync within me - forging connections, making synaptic pathways and opening doors to even more curiosity and learning. I call this authentic learning or intuitive learning.
Authentic or intuitive learning comes when a lesson is relevant and speaks to me on a soul level. I am drawn to learn some things because they help me to be more of who I am, as opposed to the things I feel forced to learn because they help me to do a task. I remember the things that help my being. I forget the things that focus on doing.
Lately I have been worried about my memory, and fear that being over-stressed is causing me to be unfocused. But I realize now that it's not my memory that is the issue. There's just so much pulling at me that wants doing that just isn't relevant to me at my core: contracts, work processes, car taxes.
Who wants to remember those things? Yes, they get things done - things that are likely relevant and soulful to someone else (otherwise we'd all be the same, and I'm so glad we're not!) But should I spend a lot of my mental energy stressing about them? Why? When I can be using my intuition to scan this wide world for sources of energy and learning that feed my authentic self.
Ahhh...What a nice shift in perspective!
Happy weekend everyone!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
A Break from the Noise
In today's over-stimluating world, it seems to me that less and less of what surroundeds us on a second-to-second basis is nourishing to our bodies, minds and souls. It is getting more and more complex to have a life these days. It feels often times like the burgeoning to-do list involved in trying to feed, house and transport our bodies takes prescedence over our beingness - being healthy, being present, being whole. And the less we are being, the less we are being...You follow?
One of my ways of dealing with the overwhelm without actually dealing with the fact that I am overwhelmed, is to revert to habitual, compulsive behaviors designed to help me escape the noise. Most of the time these methods only add to and exacerbate the feeling of TOO MUCH.
Media consumption is one of those things. I turn the TV on for background noise while I get ready in the morning or make dinner at night; the radio is going anytime I am in the car; I have three browser windows open on my computer and often have my headphones on with music going at the same time....all so I can "escape" for a few minutes. For a highly sensitive person, like me, this is akin to being assaulted. And yet, I do it to myself - by choice - all the time.
On my way back to the office from lunch today, for example, I habitually turned on the radio. It was a talk program about sex addiction. The longer I listened, the more tense I became. I turned it off and said to myself, outloud: "This is not nurturing. It's noise." The silence and moments of reflection that followed were so restorative and refreshing...I used to spend a lot of time in quiet. What happened?
My project for the weekend will be to turn off or away from anything that is pure noise - visual, auditory or informational - nothing is safe. Everything has an off switch or can be put away...except for my tired little brain. And it needs a break.
One of my ways of dealing with the overwhelm without actually dealing with the fact that I am overwhelmed, is to revert to habitual, compulsive behaviors designed to help me escape the noise. Most of the time these methods only add to and exacerbate the feeling of TOO MUCH.
Media consumption is one of those things. I turn the TV on for background noise while I get ready in the morning or make dinner at night; the radio is going anytime I am in the car; I have three browser windows open on my computer and often have my headphones on with music going at the same time....all so I can "escape" for a few minutes. For a highly sensitive person, like me, this is akin to being assaulted. And yet, I do it to myself - by choice - all the time.
On my way back to the office from lunch today, for example, I habitually turned on the radio. It was a talk program about sex addiction. The longer I listened, the more tense I became. I turned it off and said to myself, outloud: "This is not nurturing. It's noise." The silence and moments of reflection that followed were so restorative and refreshing...I used to spend a lot of time in quiet. What happened?
My project for the weekend will be to turn off or away from anything that is pure noise - visual, auditory or informational - nothing is safe. Everything has an off switch or can be put away...except for my tired little brain. And it needs a break.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Thought Balloons
Today was an introvert's hell. From the moment I walked in the door until just now - 20 minutes until the close of the day - I did not get one single moment to think, process, breathe, let go, take a mental break. I started out editing a 24-page policy and process manual and then went into a series of meetings and calls without a moment to spare. Not even lunch. (We had a department carry-in lunch, which was fun, but it required me to interact. I usually use my lunch break to get out of the office, step back mentally and refresh myself in preparation for the afternoon.)
Now I feel like my head is full of balloons, all bouncing around against each other, creating static and that awful squeak that comes with the friction of balloon-on-balloon contact. Each of the projects and to do items on my ever expanding list is it's own balloon, all appearing larger in mass than they are in substance and all creating a feeling of fullness and noise in my head that is quite unpleasant.
It makes everything feel...well...inflated.
At times like these, I actually look forward to a quiet stop-and-go drive home to decompress. I might even send some of those baloons out the window as I go.
Now I feel like my head is full of balloons, all bouncing around against each other, creating static and that awful squeak that comes with the friction of balloon-on-balloon contact. Each of the projects and to do items on my ever expanding list is it's own balloon, all appearing larger in mass than they are in substance and all creating a feeling of fullness and noise in my head that is quite unpleasant.
It makes everything feel...well...inflated.
At times like these, I actually look forward to a quiet stop-and-go drive home to decompress. I might even send some of those baloons out the window as I go.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Pro-crastination
I am a personality test junkie. I admit it. I know it annoys the concrete-sequentials of the world who find categorizing themselves somewhat redundant and completly pointless. But I love me a good personality test. Mostly because I think it helps me to have something to point at to say, "SEE, I'm not so weird. I fit in here..."
My coach turned me on to the Enneagram. I took it and discovered I am a Type 4: The Individualist. This should not be a surprise to anyone who knows me. Here's an excerpt from the profile of a Type 4:
Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.
Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance
Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an
identity)
And if that didn't seal the deal that this is so me, there's this part:
We have named this type The Individualist because Fours maintain their identity by seeing themselves as fundamentally different from others. Fours feel that they are unlike other human beings, and consequently, that no one can understand them or love them adequately. They often see themselves as uniquely talented, possessing special, one-of-a-kind gifts, but also as uniquely disadvantaged or flawed. More than any other type, Fours are acutely aware of and focused on their personal differences and deficiencies.
So in reviewing the profile in detail, I found a section called Personal Growth which reviews the places where I, and those other rare 4s like me (but they can't really be just like me because I am a 4...) could stand to learn a few things. I won't go into detail, but it basically says:
1. Do not pay so much attention to your feelings; they are not a true source of support for you
2. Avoid putting off things until you are "in the right mood."
3. Self-esteem and self-confidence will develop only from having positive experiences, whether or not you believe that you are ready to have them.
4. Practice healthy self-discipline and stay with it
5. Avoid lengthy conversations in your imagination, particularly if they are negative, resentful, or even excessively romantic.
Dammit. Right between the eyes! Every one of those is balls-on accurate. (Sorry for the word choice, it's Friday and I'm feeling saucy.) The one that is nailing me today is #2. I totally procrastinate just about everything until I am in the right mood. And I am rarely in the right mood for some things to ever get done.
Like the work I am not doing right now...Although I prefer to think of what I am doing now as pro-crastination, because if I am not focused or in the proper fram of mind, I won't be pro-ductive, so it's a "pro" that I am putting it off and not a "con." Ya see that logic. ;-) AND it helps me to believe I am having a positive experience (see #4) and will help me avoid the lengthy resentful conversation in my head that would result if I did the work when I wasn’t in the mood.
Right now I am in the mood to hit the road. Mission pro-crastination accomplished. Time for a cocktail.
My coach turned me on to the Enneagram. I took it and discovered I am a Type 4: The Individualist. This should not be a surprise to anyone who knows me. Here's an excerpt from the profile of a Type 4:
Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.
Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance
Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an
identity)
And if that didn't seal the deal that this is so me, there's this part:
We have named this type The Individualist because Fours maintain their identity by seeing themselves as fundamentally different from others. Fours feel that they are unlike other human beings, and consequently, that no one can understand them or love them adequately. They often see themselves as uniquely talented, possessing special, one-of-a-kind gifts, but also as uniquely disadvantaged or flawed. More than any other type, Fours are acutely aware of and focused on their personal differences and deficiencies.
So in reviewing the profile in detail, I found a section called Personal Growth which reviews the places where I, and those other rare 4s like me (but they can't really be just like me because I am a 4...) could stand to learn a few things. I won't go into detail, but it basically says:
1. Do not pay so much attention to your feelings; they are not a true source of support for you
2. Avoid putting off things until you are "in the right mood."
3. Self-esteem and self-confidence will develop only from having positive experiences, whether or not you believe that you are ready to have them.
4. Practice healthy self-discipline and stay with it
5. Avoid lengthy conversations in your imagination, particularly if they are negative, resentful, or even excessively romantic.
Dammit. Right between the eyes! Every one of those is balls-on accurate. (Sorry for the word choice, it's Friday and I'm feeling saucy.) The one that is nailing me today is #2. I totally procrastinate just about everything until I am in the right mood. And I am rarely in the right mood for some things to ever get done.
Like the work I am not doing right now...Although I prefer to think of what I am doing now as pro-crastination, because if I am not focused or in the proper fram of mind, I won't be pro-ductive, so it's a "pro" that I am putting it off and not a "con." Ya see that logic. ;-) AND it helps me to believe I am having a positive experience (see #4) and will help me avoid the lengthy resentful conversation in my head that would result if I did the work when I wasn’t in the mood.
Right now I am in the mood to hit the road. Mission pro-crastination accomplished. Time for a cocktail.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
From Un to Fun?
I am having an un day.
Uninspired.
Unmotivated.
Unfocused.
Unwilling.
Uncreative.
Uncomfortable.
Unfriendly.
Unaccepting.
Uncompelled.
Uncertain.
Unattractive.
Unbecoming.
And all the other un words that are unflattering.
But now I look again at the word unbecoming. I know what it's dictionary definition is and how it is tyipically used as an adjective to describe something that is unsuitable. But if you take the word apart and consider it literally, as a verb let's say it's kind of a wake-up call. Am I really unbecoming? Hmm...perhaps by focusing on the negatives of how I am being now - all the uns, ifs and buts - I actually stop becoming and do become unbecoming.
I don't want to UN-become, to become less. That sounds like shrivling up, becoming smaller. I want to become more, larger (well not larger all around just in my way of living), greater. And to be honest, I want this becoming to be more fun.
That's it! I want to FUN-become! I want to feel it is fun becoming who I am becoming, what I am becoming, as I am becoming.
While I'm fun-becoming perhaps that will help me also to be:
Fun-inspired.
Fun-motivated.
Fun-focused.
Fun-willing.
Fun-creative.
Fun-comfortable.
Fun-friendly.
Fun-accepting.
Fun-compelled.
Fun-certain.
Fun-attractive.
Sounds fun...
Uninspired.
Unmotivated.
Unfocused.
Unwilling.
Uncreative.
Uncomfortable.
Unfriendly.
Unaccepting.
Uncompelled.
Uncertain.
Unattractive.
Unbecoming.
And all the other un words that are unflattering.
But now I look again at the word unbecoming. I know what it's dictionary definition is and how it is tyipically used as an adjective to describe something that is unsuitable. But if you take the word apart and consider it literally, as a verb let's say it's kind of a wake-up call. Am I really unbecoming? Hmm...perhaps by focusing on the negatives of how I am being now - all the uns, ifs and buts - I actually stop becoming and do become unbecoming.
I don't want to UN-become, to become less. That sounds like shrivling up, becoming smaller. I want to become more, larger (well not larger all around just in my way of living), greater. And to be honest, I want this becoming to be more fun.
That's it! I want to FUN-become! I want to feel it is fun becoming who I am becoming, what I am becoming, as I am becoming.
While I'm fun-becoming perhaps that will help me also to be:
Fun-inspired.
Fun-motivated.
Fun-focused.
Fun-willing.
Fun-creative.
Fun-comfortable.
Fun-friendly.
Fun-accepting.
Fun-compelled.
Fun-certain.
Fun-attractive.
Sounds fun...
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
I Think Our Big Picture Needs Restoration
One of the hardest things for me to do when I am in a funk is to motivate myself to do things I am not inspired to do even on my best day. This week I am in a funk for a number of reasons. I am feeling the need for some space and time away from the push and pull of the daily grind to process some of what's happening inside me, but my sense of responsibility keeps me rooted to my chair, feeling anxious, irritable and resistant.
Then I read articles like this one about disgruntled employees. And I start to judge myself, holding up all the ways in which I am failing, disappointing people, setting a poor example or not being responsible. My hamster-wheel mind goes into a frenzy of frustration, self-doubt, judgement, helplessness, anger and blame. I see myself in these words:
"Though the work itself can be rewarding, the employees’ managers might be causing dissatisfaction. Be certain that the managers themselves are motivated to keep employees informed, recognize their contributions, reward outstanding performance, deal with problems constructively, and model the behaviors they expect of others."
I read that and feel like there's a bulls eye on my forehead. But how can I motivate the people who work for me when things continually change, often in ways that I don't even support??!! Or worse, when my boss and her boss have no idea how to motivate me to then motivate my staff?
The paradox here is that what I really want to do is work on issues just like the one we are facing at my organization today...I just don't want to be working in the organization while working on the issue. It's hard to be a part of something that is a problem without being able to also be apart from it in a way that is critical (to me) to find resolution. I need to step back and not be so entrenched. I am too close to this. I really do care about supporting my people. I find myself looking for gimmicks, techniques, tools something to grasp at and implement to help me feel like I am helping my team, to show them I am engaged, despite my desire to disengage altogether.
I notice that what I want to disengage from, however, is not my team or supporting them in doing the good detailed doing they do. I want to disengage from doing the detailed doing that I am supposed to do on top of the big-picture managing. I have been told that it is impossible to think big and think small at the same time. That seems true to me. The more in the weeds I get, the more I lose sight of the field, the horizon. And also, I realize that the organization's big-picture is getting muddied with too many fingerprints, which makes it harder and harder to reference as a point of inspiration...
We need to either start with a clean canvas or have some serious restoration work done to strip away all of the extraneous markings and heal the scratches so that we can see the big picture again more clearly...
Then I read articles like this one about disgruntled employees. And I start to judge myself, holding up all the ways in which I am failing, disappointing people, setting a poor example or not being responsible. My hamster-wheel mind goes into a frenzy of frustration, self-doubt, judgement, helplessness, anger and blame. I see myself in these words:
"Though the work itself can be rewarding, the employees’ managers might be causing dissatisfaction. Be certain that the managers themselves are motivated to keep employees informed, recognize their contributions, reward outstanding performance, deal with problems constructively, and model the behaviors they expect of others."
I read that and feel like there's a bulls eye on my forehead. But how can I motivate the people who work for me when things continually change, often in ways that I don't even support??!! Or worse, when my boss and her boss have no idea how to motivate me to then motivate my staff?
The paradox here is that what I really want to do is work on issues just like the one we are facing at my organization today...I just don't want to be working in the organization while working on the issue. It's hard to be a part of something that is a problem without being able to also be apart from it in a way that is critical (to me) to find resolution. I need to step back and not be so entrenched. I am too close to this. I really do care about supporting my people. I find myself looking for gimmicks, techniques, tools something to grasp at and implement to help me feel like I am helping my team, to show them I am engaged, despite my desire to disengage altogether.
I notice that what I want to disengage from, however, is not my team or supporting them in doing the good detailed doing they do. I want to disengage from doing the detailed doing that I am supposed to do on top of the big-picture managing. I have been told that it is impossible to think big and think small at the same time. That seems true to me. The more in the weeds I get, the more I lose sight of the field, the horizon. And also, I realize that the organization's big-picture is getting muddied with too many fingerprints, which makes it harder and harder to reference as a point of inspiration...
We need to either start with a clean canvas or have some serious restoration work done to strip away all of the extraneous markings and heal the scratches so that we can see the big picture again more clearly...
Friday, August 13, 2010
Chock full a meetings
I haven't have a moment to think this week. I've been in meetings and on calls all week. I hate weeks like this. But this one is blessedly nearly over.
So, I'm sorry for the hole in my posting lately. But rest assured, I will be back. In my meeting on Monday, I compiled a very long list of topics to blog about when I wasn't in a meeting...
Happy weekend all, and happy one-year to my new left knee.
So, I'm sorry for the hole in my posting lately. But rest assured, I will be back. In my meeting on Monday, I compiled a very long list of topics to blog about when I wasn't in a meeting...
Happy weekend all, and happy one-year to my new left knee.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Working out is not working out...
The Curves I go to changed their gym hours for the summer. I was in a rhythm, going at noon Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Maybe not all three days every week, but I did my best and usually made it at least two of the three days each week. In June, they changed their hours and close from 12:30-4:00 in the afternoon, I suppose to avoid the heat of the day and save energy.
That means to get there in time to change my clothes and get my workout in before they close, I have to leave the office at 11:30. Most days, there is no way that is going to happen. Most days I have meetings that start at 11:00. So my summer workout schedule has not been good...
Now, I COULD go at night. They reopen from 4:00-8:00. But that would require me to go home, take care of the dogs, change and drive back to the gym, which is near my office. The part of me that likes things to be smooth and easy and would rather play or rest does not like this idea. The part of me that does not like excuses and thinks I should be perfect and that tortures me with barbs about my "fattitude" does not the idea that I am making excuses and not being perfect about working out and calls my attention to my muffin top. It runs tapes in my head of the club manager saying that I won't get results if I don't go. "I KNOW THAT BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF MY LIFE?" whines the part that wants balance.
I get obsessive about things. I've been obsessing about my weight ever since I saw pictures of myself from my high school reunion. I see I'm bigger than I want to be and I want to say I'm working on it. I'm sort of working on it. I'm making some better choices about food. I'm walking the dog two miles a day. But I'm not counting calories. I'm not going vegetarian. I'm not giving up wine. I'm not going to the gym when its not convenient.
And I'm winding myself up about this, when the reality is in three weeks Curves will go back to it's regular hours and I'll be able to go back during lunch again. So, it's not working out for me to work out as much as my inner gym teacher would like me to work out right now. I think maybe I'll be okay. Maybe. But I'll still feel guilty.
That means to get there in time to change my clothes and get my workout in before they close, I have to leave the office at 11:30. Most days, there is no way that is going to happen. Most days I have meetings that start at 11:00. So my summer workout schedule has not been good...
Now, I COULD go at night. They reopen from 4:00-8:00. But that would require me to go home, take care of the dogs, change and drive back to the gym, which is near my office. The part of me that likes things to be smooth and easy and would rather play or rest does not like this idea. The part of me that does not like excuses and thinks I should be perfect and that tortures me with barbs about my "fattitude" does not the idea that I am making excuses and not being perfect about working out and calls my attention to my muffin top. It runs tapes in my head of the club manager saying that I won't get results if I don't go. "I KNOW THAT BUT WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF MY LIFE?" whines the part that wants balance.
I get obsessive about things. I've been obsessing about my weight ever since I saw pictures of myself from my high school reunion. I see I'm bigger than I want to be and I want to say I'm working on it. I'm sort of working on it. I'm making some better choices about food. I'm walking the dog two miles a day. But I'm not counting calories. I'm not going vegetarian. I'm not giving up wine. I'm not going to the gym when its not convenient.
And I'm winding myself up about this, when the reality is in three weeks Curves will go back to it's regular hours and I'll be able to go back during lunch again. So, it's not working out for me to work out as much as my inner gym teacher would like me to work out right now. I think maybe I'll be okay. Maybe. But I'll still feel guilty.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Free Time vs. Bonus Time
We had an insane storm here yesterday. It blew in at 3:30 and the worst was over by 4:00 but it took out trees, cars, houses and power in one fell swoop. Watching from my window, it looked like a snapshot of the time I watched Hurricane Katrina blow in on Key West (only a category one at the time, but that was enough hurricane for my lifetime.)
The power went out at the office about 4:00. We all stood around in the dark for half an hour before trekking home. I live about 10 miles from the office and you could barely tell there had been a storm at my house, but the drive home, through my old neighborhood of Del Ray, was surreal. Most of that area is still in the dark, and likely will be for a while as the clean up of tree debris goes on.
From the reports on the news this morning, I was sure there would be no power at the office today. I logged on from home and checked my e-mail. No word. So I took my dog for a walk. On the walk I all but convinced myself it was a BONUS DAY, a day of "working from home" while barely working. Being able to laze around unwashed and play, meditate, paint or whatever suited my fancy while once in a while checking in on e-mail and sitting in on my two scheduled conference calls. The prospect of bonus time is thrilling, an unexpected gift.
Unfortunately, I came back from walking the dog to find an e-mail that the power was on at the office. With the wind having gone out of my sails, I drug myself through the rest of my normal morning routine, mourning the loss of my bonus time.
Now, tomorrow is Saturday, a free day - meaning a day without scheduled toil. I have no plans, except maybe to exercise. My boyfriend is out of town, so I'm alone. I don't really even have any errands that HAVE to be done. In a sense, it's a completely wide open day. You would think that this prospect would fill me with the same kind of thrill as the prospect of a bonus day today. But no.
Thinking about the wide-openness of the weekend, for some reason, has a different energy to it. It's free time, but it's not special free time. It's not a surprise gift. It's open space that I knew was coming and, to be honest, am not sure what to do with, which makes me feel all the more anxious to fill it. Whereas the prospect of a full, unscheduled day of not doing which I was hoping for today made me feel luxurious and lazy and full of anticipation for the relaxation to come. Maybe it's the feeling of being "off" when others are "on" that I like; the vibe of slacking and freedom that I don't get on a run-of-the-mill weekend...
I wonder how I can imbue a regular Saturday with that same bonus day feeling. Maybe what I want is the feeling of taking a day off instead being given one...Hm...Now I may be on to something there. Can I "take" Saturday off, or does it not work that way? I'll test it and see.
Happy weekend to you all!
The power went out at the office about 4:00. We all stood around in the dark for half an hour before trekking home. I live about 10 miles from the office and you could barely tell there had been a storm at my house, but the drive home, through my old neighborhood of Del Ray, was surreal. Most of that area is still in the dark, and likely will be for a while as the clean up of tree debris goes on.
From the reports on the news this morning, I was sure there would be no power at the office today. I logged on from home and checked my e-mail. No word. So I took my dog for a walk. On the walk I all but convinced myself it was a BONUS DAY, a day of "working from home" while barely working. Being able to laze around unwashed and play, meditate, paint or whatever suited my fancy while once in a while checking in on e-mail and sitting in on my two scheduled conference calls. The prospect of bonus time is thrilling, an unexpected gift.
Unfortunately, I came back from walking the dog to find an e-mail that the power was on at the office. With the wind having gone out of my sails, I drug myself through the rest of my normal morning routine, mourning the loss of my bonus time.
Now, tomorrow is Saturday, a free day - meaning a day without scheduled toil. I have no plans, except maybe to exercise. My boyfriend is out of town, so I'm alone. I don't really even have any errands that HAVE to be done. In a sense, it's a completely wide open day. You would think that this prospect would fill me with the same kind of thrill as the prospect of a bonus day today. But no.
Thinking about the wide-openness of the weekend, for some reason, has a different energy to it. It's free time, but it's not special free time. It's not a surprise gift. It's open space that I knew was coming and, to be honest, am not sure what to do with, which makes me feel all the more anxious to fill it. Whereas the prospect of a full, unscheduled day of not doing which I was hoping for today made me feel luxurious and lazy and full of anticipation for the relaxation to come. Maybe it's the feeling of being "off" when others are "on" that I like; the vibe of slacking and freedom that I don't get on a run-of-the-mill weekend...
I wonder how I can imbue a regular Saturday with that same bonus day feeling. Maybe what I want is the feeling of taking a day off instead being given one...Hm...Now I may be on to something there. Can I "take" Saturday off, or does it not work that way? I'll test it and see.
Happy weekend to you all!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Gap the Mind
As an introvert and highly-sensitive person (HSP), I have A LOT of mental noise. Everything I experience, I inernalize to process later. I describe this to people who don't know what I mean (hello my uber-extroverted friends!) by describing it as a mental game of Tetris. I take in all the chunks of information, stimulus, feedback, experiences that come my way, save them up in my mind and my body and then examine them and find out where they fit later on, discarding what doesn't matter and saving the rest for future examination. Additionally, I internalize experiences BEFORE they happen, anticipating scenarios and "rehearsing" interactions to help create some context so that I am not completely overwhelmed by stimuli...It doesn't always work and often backfires. Honestly all of this is exhausting, but it is how I am wired and have learned to survive in this loud and extroverted world.
I am also high-strung by nature. One time when I was seeking help for what I perceived as an abnormal reaction to life's stimuli, I actually had a doctor tell me, "Some people's central nervous systems just fire faster than others. It's not personality, it's not something you can or should change. It's biology." Accepting that fact really helped me understand that what is "normal" for some is not normal for me, and that "normal" is not a guidepost I should be concerned about.
Combining my introversion/HSP personality with my quick-firing central nervous system means I am a person whose mind is rarely at peace and who is rarely grounded in the present. I'm usually processing the past or preparing for the future. The times my mind goes quiet are the times I know something very important, or very scary (sometimes both) is happening...or the times when I am so overloaded that I just shut down.
I've tried to practice meditation, and it works as long as I can get through the excrutiating first few minutes where my mind literally goes into panic mode. My mind does not like a gap in its activity. It does not WANT to be still, to count breathes. It starts to WHAT IF and IF ONLY me. But I can tell it craves a gap because one of the recurring thoughts I have is "I just want everything to stop!" I know my spirit, my soul, my whole entire being other than my mind craves a gap in the incessant data crunching and "nexting" that my mind is so attached to.
And really, now that I think about it, my mind should not be in charge at all. Being stuck in my head is how I get myself into states like I am in now, amped up and paralyzed at the same time. If it were up to my mind, I would be freaking out, shutting down, wigging out and collapsing in upon myself at any given moment. Thank goodness for my poker face and the little voice of my soul that continues to whisper the truth...Sometimes I can even hear it amid the din.
Time to gap the mind and see what's real.
I am also high-strung by nature. One time when I was seeking help for what I perceived as an abnormal reaction to life's stimuli, I actually had a doctor tell me, "Some people's central nervous systems just fire faster than others. It's not personality, it's not something you can or should change. It's biology." Accepting that fact really helped me understand that what is "normal" for some is not normal for me, and that "normal" is not a guidepost I should be concerned about.
Combining my introversion/HSP personality with my quick-firing central nervous system means I am a person whose mind is rarely at peace and who is rarely grounded in the present. I'm usually processing the past or preparing for the future. The times my mind goes quiet are the times I know something very important, or very scary (sometimes both) is happening...or the times when I am so overloaded that I just shut down.
I've tried to practice meditation, and it works as long as I can get through the excrutiating first few minutes where my mind literally goes into panic mode. My mind does not like a gap in its activity. It does not WANT to be still, to count breathes. It starts to WHAT IF and IF ONLY me. But I can tell it craves a gap because one of the recurring thoughts I have is "I just want everything to stop!" I know my spirit, my soul, my whole entire being other than my mind craves a gap in the incessant data crunching and "nexting" that my mind is so attached to.
And really, now that I think about it, my mind should not be in charge at all. Being stuck in my head is how I get myself into states like I am in now, amped up and paralyzed at the same time. If it were up to my mind, I would be freaking out, shutting down, wigging out and collapsing in upon myself at any given moment. Thank goodness for my poker face and the little voice of my soul that continues to whisper the truth...Sometimes I can even hear it amid the din.
Time to gap the mind and see what's real.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
The next best thing to meaning...
(Yes, I've abandoned my boat/water metaphor naming scheme. It was cute when I started, but it was time to change.)
I'm new to this whole blogesphere, but I'm starting to get into it. One leads to another and the insights are everywhere.
Recently I ran across this post by blogger Jeffrey Tang that threatens to end my existential crisis if I can embrace it. In the post, Tang asserts, "Looking for meaning is how we distract ourselves in the downtime between interesting experiences."
And I think he must be right. Maybe my existential crisis isn't so much a crisis of meaning as it is a pattern of perpetual boredom. Maybe I don't need to find the meaning of life or the perfect vocation for me so much as I need to do something more interesting...
Thinking that way gives a whole different energy to my intention as I am letting go of my current trapeze bar and hanging in midair waiting for the next one...
I'm new to this whole blogesphere, but I'm starting to get into it. One leads to another and the insights are everywhere.
Recently I ran across this post by blogger Jeffrey Tang that threatens to end my existential crisis if I can embrace it. In the post, Tang asserts, "Looking for meaning is how we distract ourselves in the downtime between interesting experiences."
And I think he must be right. Maybe my existential crisis isn't so much a crisis of meaning as it is a pattern of perpetual boredom. Maybe I don't need to find the meaning of life or the perfect vocation for me so much as I need to do something more interesting...
Thinking that way gives a whole different energy to my intention as I am letting go of my current trapeze bar and hanging in midair waiting for the next one...
You’re either on board, or you’re not
I just heard that very phrase again this morning. I’ve heard it many
times in my career when an unpopular decision is made by those in
charge and the people “down below” begin to grumble…Usually they are
grumbling, not because of the decision per se, but because they
weren’t involved in the conversation about the decision, were not
given the respect and opportunity to give their input and feel the
decision was made in secret, behind closed doors. Whether their
feedback would be taken or not is mostly irrelevant. It’s the
asking…the consideration, the empathy to put people over processes,
especially since processes need people to get done.
That killer phrase is never delivered directly to me, because I play
the role of one who is on board. But most of the time I am not on
board, at least not 100%. And hearing that phrase makes me want to
jump overboard.
I have to take responsibility for my own attitude and my own part of
this. And right now I feel guilty. Guilty for not speaking up about
things that I have seen that are ridiculous. Guilty for speaking up
about these things to the wrong people in a negative, subversive and
passive-aggressive way. Guilty for being immature. Guilty for not
having the courage or respect for everyone to speak up even if it
would do no good.
So this is yet another theme that arises and follows me. Go along to
get along. “Get on board or get out.” What assumptions and beliefs are
tied to this pattern that I need to examine, to question?
The most obvious item to me is my relationship with authority.
Because I internalized years ago that to respect authority means not
to question it, I learned that I must dissent “in private” which
manifested as passive-aggressive rebellion. This belief and the
subsequent reaction do not serve me any more. I need to grow in this
regard. Rise above and use my voice.
I won’t go down with the ship. Not like that.
times in my career when an unpopular decision is made by those in
charge and the people “down below” begin to grumble…Usually they are
grumbling, not because of the decision per se, but because they
weren’t involved in the conversation about the decision, were not
given the respect and opportunity to give their input and feel the
decision was made in secret, behind closed doors. Whether their
feedback would be taken or not is mostly irrelevant. It’s the
asking…the consideration, the empathy to put people over processes,
especially since processes need people to get done.
That killer phrase is never delivered directly to me, because I play
the role of one who is on board. But most of the time I am not on
board, at least not 100%. And hearing that phrase makes me want to
jump overboard.
I have to take responsibility for my own attitude and my own part of
this. And right now I feel guilty. Guilty for not speaking up about
things that I have seen that are ridiculous. Guilty for speaking up
about these things to the wrong people in a negative, subversive and
passive-aggressive way. Guilty for being immature. Guilty for not
having the courage or respect for everyone to speak up even if it
would do no good.
So this is yet another theme that arises and follows me. Go along to
get along. “Get on board or get out.” What assumptions and beliefs are
tied to this pattern that I need to examine, to question?
The most obvious item to me is my relationship with authority.
Because I internalized years ago that to respect authority means not
to question it, I learned that I must dissent “in private” which
manifested as passive-aggressive rebellion. This belief and the
subsequent reaction do not serve me any more. I need to grow in this
regard. Rise above and use my voice.
I won’t go down with the ship. Not like that.
Losing sight of the shore
I had an ah-ha moment this morning while walking the dog. (I always
get the best insights either on walks or while driving.) Before I
share the ah-ha, you need the backstory.
In my work with my coach, mentor and friend, MaryJane Bullen, earlier
this year, we identified two metaphors. One was a metaphor around how
I was feeling at the time in my work – a pack mule. The second was a
metaphor for how I wanted to be going forward, what I aspired to be –
a trapeze artist.
I felt, at the time and sometimes still, like a pack mule. Everyone
would pile things on my back and along I would plod, head down,
bearing the burden and making sure to stay on the path. Despite being
somewhat stubborn beasts of burden, pack mules do have some good
points – they are strong and sure-footed. Sometimes my pack mule
served me and those around me, as I am strong and often serve to be
the grounding force for others on my team.
The pack mule metaphor was easy for me to come up with. It sprang
forth almost instantly when MaryJane asked how I felt. But in terms of
how I aspired to feel, I was stuck. My pack mule was comfortable. And
then MaryJane gave me this essay about transition using a trapeze
metaphor and it really hit home.
I’ve been thinking about that ever since and working with and around,
specifically, the part of the essay where author Danaan Perry talks
about the emptiness, the void, when we let go of one metaphorical
trapeze bar and reach for the next. He says, “transformation of fear
may have nothing to do with making fear go away, but rather with
giving ourselves permission to “hang out” in the transition between
trapezes. Transforming our need to grab that new bar, any bar, is
allowing ourselves to dwell in the only place where change really
happens. It can be terrifying. It can also be enlightening in the true
sense of the word. Hurtling through the void, we just may learn how to
fly.”
Ever since I read that, I have wanted to let go and hurtle through the
void. But the fear keeps me holding on, sometimes with both hands and
sometimes just barely with one finger, to my current bar.
So today, walking the dog, I was again visualizing myself and my
trapeze bar…my trapeze bar that sometimes isn’t really that far off
the ground and sometimes has a pack mule hanging off of it… And I
started musing as I do from time to time, about letting go of it and
trusting that what is next will support me. Then it came to me. Being
where I am isn’t what’s keeping me from letting go. It’s my energy and
my intentions that have been hanging on and keeping me down. I’ve been
so attached to my pack mule ways that even the IDEA of letting go and
flying into the void was enough to shut me down. I couldn’t even
visualize the space in which what is next could manifest because I was
so attached to the pack mule version of my story that the next thing,
the next path to trod, had to be in sight before I could let myself
let go.
Today, I gave my energy, my spirit, permission to be free and I set
the intention of letting go and hanging out in the void even as I am
physically still here doing the daily doings. “You don’t have to quit
or drop out to invite and encourage change,” my wise, still, small
voice said to me today. “You just have to let your energy go, set it
free to find the next bar for you. ” So that’s what I’m doing.
"We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight
of the shore." --Anonymous
get the best insights either on walks or while driving.) Before I
share the ah-ha, you need the backstory.
In my work with my coach, mentor and friend, MaryJane Bullen, earlier
this year, we identified two metaphors. One was a metaphor around how
I was feeling at the time in my work – a pack mule. The second was a
metaphor for how I wanted to be going forward, what I aspired to be –
a trapeze artist.
I felt, at the time and sometimes still, like a pack mule. Everyone
would pile things on my back and along I would plod, head down,
bearing the burden and making sure to stay on the path. Despite being
somewhat stubborn beasts of burden, pack mules do have some good
points – they are strong and sure-footed. Sometimes my pack mule
served me and those around me, as I am strong and often serve to be
the grounding force for others on my team.
The pack mule metaphor was easy for me to come up with. It sprang
forth almost instantly when MaryJane asked how I felt. But in terms of
how I aspired to feel, I was stuck. My pack mule was comfortable. And
then MaryJane gave me this essay about transition using a trapeze
metaphor and it really hit home.
I’ve been thinking about that ever since and working with and around,
specifically, the part of the essay where author Danaan Perry talks
about the emptiness, the void, when we let go of one metaphorical
trapeze bar and reach for the next. He says, “transformation of fear
may have nothing to do with making fear go away, but rather with
giving ourselves permission to “hang out” in the transition between
trapezes. Transforming our need to grab that new bar, any bar, is
allowing ourselves to dwell in the only place where change really
happens. It can be terrifying. It can also be enlightening in the true
sense of the word. Hurtling through the void, we just may learn how to
fly.”
Ever since I read that, I have wanted to let go and hurtle through the
void. But the fear keeps me holding on, sometimes with both hands and
sometimes just barely with one finger, to my current bar.
So today, walking the dog, I was again visualizing myself and my
trapeze bar…my trapeze bar that sometimes isn’t really that far off
the ground and sometimes has a pack mule hanging off of it… And I
started musing as I do from time to time, about letting go of it and
trusting that what is next will support me. Then it came to me. Being
where I am isn’t what’s keeping me from letting go. It’s my energy and
my intentions that have been hanging on and keeping me down. I’ve been
so attached to my pack mule ways that even the IDEA of letting go and
flying into the void was enough to shut me down. I couldn’t even
visualize the space in which what is next could manifest because I was
so attached to the pack mule version of my story that the next thing,
the next path to trod, had to be in sight before I could let myself
let go.
Today, I gave my energy, my spirit, permission to be free and I set
the intention of letting go and hanging out in the void even as I am
physically still here doing the daily doings. “You don’t have to quit
or drop out to invite and encourage change,” my wise, still, small
voice said to me today. “You just have to let your energy go, set it
free to find the next bar for you. ” So that’s what I’m doing.
"We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight
of the shore." --Anonymous
Floundering
I’m feeling a significant amount of anxiety right now. The underlying
tension is almost too much to stand. I want to move. My natural
inclination, though is to move away from the source of tension, to
escape. And yet the tension seems to follow me, leading me to believe
there is no escape AND that the way I am approaching (or rather
retreating from) what is happening continues to perpetuate the cycle.
I want to change the way I react, to unlearn my habit of flight when
things at work get to feeling icky.
I want to examine moving toward not away. I want to lean into
opportunity disguised as discomfort instead of recoiling in dread or
disgust. I want to get curious instead of nervous.
I’m starting to see some parallels in other areas of my life that
might help. Building new habits is just like building muscles. I
exercise at my local Curves two to three times a week. For quite a
while, I was not able to exercise due to the complete disintegration
of my left knee. But now I have a new knee and a new lease on
activity. Getting through that was harder than I though it would be,
but I literally took it one step at a time and now I am more mobile
than I have been for a very long time. Through that recovery process,
I had a lot of resistance – physical and mental…but mostly emotional.
No one wants to be in pain, to have to push through it. But in order
to recover and get stronger, you must. So I did. But then again,
escape wasn’t an issue. I couldn’t get away from that pain. It was a
part of me. Is the tension I am internalizing around work a part of
me too? If so, how do I get that replaced? It’s not as if I can
replace an attitude like a surgeon replaces a joint. Or can I?
The Curves workout is a circuit. Each station isolates on one or two
muscle groups for 30 seconds, using resistance training. The harder
you push, the more resistance the machine creates and the better the
work-out. At the end of the 30 seconds, an automated recording prompts
everyone on the circuit to ”change stations now.” If I have pushed
as hard as I can against the machine’s resistance, I am SO relieved to
hear those words. After each machine is a “recovery station”,
basically just a board that you march or jog, or stand panting on to
allow the muscles to recover for 30 seconds before moving on to the
next station at the cue.
I realize that the Curves process of tension -> resistance -> work ->
release -> change -> recover -> repeat is similar to the cycle I go
through at work…except I never allow myself to release to accept the
change or recover after all that tensing, resisting, working and
changing. I just go from tension to resistance to work and
repeat…with change happening intermittantly and sometimes covertly in
and among and around all of that.
Hmm…That’s sure some metaphorical food for thought. And now back to my
regularly scheduled floundering.
tension is almost too much to stand. I want to move. My natural
inclination, though is to move away from the source of tension, to
escape. And yet the tension seems to follow me, leading me to believe
there is no escape AND that the way I am approaching (or rather
retreating from) what is happening continues to perpetuate the cycle.
I want to change the way I react, to unlearn my habit of flight when
things at work get to feeling icky.
I want to examine moving toward not away. I want to lean into
opportunity disguised as discomfort instead of recoiling in dread or
disgust. I want to get curious instead of nervous.
I’m starting to see some parallels in other areas of my life that
might help. Building new habits is just like building muscles. I
exercise at my local Curves two to three times a week. For quite a
while, I was not able to exercise due to the complete disintegration
of my left knee. But now I have a new knee and a new lease on
activity. Getting through that was harder than I though it would be,
but I literally took it one step at a time and now I am more mobile
than I have been for a very long time. Through that recovery process,
I had a lot of resistance – physical and mental…but mostly emotional.
No one wants to be in pain, to have to push through it. But in order
to recover and get stronger, you must. So I did. But then again,
escape wasn’t an issue. I couldn’t get away from that pain. It was a
part of me. Is the tension I am internalizing around work a part of
me too? If so, how do I get that replaced? It’s not as if I can
replace an attitude like a surgeon replaces a joint. Or can I?
The Curves workout is a circuit. Each station isolates on one or two
muscle groups for 30 seconds, using resistance training. The harder
you push, the more resistance the machine creates and the better the
work-out. At the end of the 30 seconds, an automated recording prompts
everyone on the circuit to ”change stations now.” If I have pushed
as hard as I can against the machine’s resistance, I am SO relieved to
hear those words. After each machine is a “recovery station”,
basically just a board that you march or jog, or stand panting on to
allow the muscles to recover for 30 seconds before moving on to the
next station at the cue.
I realize that the Curves process of tension -> resistance -> work ->
release -> change -> recover -> repeat is similar to the cycle I go
through at work…except I never allow myself to release to accept the
change or recover after all that tensing, resisting, working and
changing. I just go from tension to resistance to work and
repeat…with change happening intermittantly and sometimes covertly in
and among and around all of that.
Hmm…That’s sure some metaphorical food for thought. And now back to my
regularly scheduled floundering.
Information Overboard
At this very moment, I have a Word document, a PowerPoint
presentation, Outlook email, four…whoops make that five…browser
windows and two instant messenging/internet phone platforms open on my
desktop. And I am making progress on just about nothing. It has taken
me 30 minutes to type these few lines because the little envelope that
tells me I have a new Outlook message keeps popping up, so I check to
see what it is, and then someone walks in to chat and then someone IMs
me…
I’m sorry, what was I saying again? Seriously. Information overload is
killing my brain cells. I swear I am less able to focus, concentrate
and remember than I was even 5 years ago. And I refuse to believe all
of that is due to my age.
These days it seems like instant gratification has gone completely
haywire. I have people email me, then call me to see if I got their
email before I’ve even had a chance to register that there is a
message in my inbox. Heaven forbid, I am actually WORKING ON SOMETHING
or in a meeting or on the phone or – gasp – deigning to think about
something before responding…I mean reacting.
That’s what it’s come to. We are perpetually reacting and it feels
like there’s no substance to most of it. No purpose. All I want to do
sometimes is unplug, and yet I go home and turn on the boob tube AND
fire up my laptop…I feel so fragmented and pulled in 7 directions most
of the time. Can I choose to unplug?
I tried that yesterday. I left the office with a ream of articles in
hand to review for our upcoming magazine. I went to a local cafe,
ordered a glass of wine, took a breath and started to read the
articles. I couldn’t concentrate. I kept feeling like I should be
checking something, doing something more…doing more than one thing at
once while at the same time not getting anything done… This
uni-tasking felt so foreign. I find I am like that at home too.
Constantly buzzing with energy and feeling either completely
overstimulated or completely understimulated. Is our culture
programming us for ADD??? Is there a happy medium?
While I was writing this (okay not while I was, but during one of my
25 breaks in writing this), I looked for some articles on this issue.
I found this one that I think might be good…except I haven’t gotten
around to reading it yet because I am too busy trying to finish this
post, edit a document, answer 5 emails and update my Facebook status…
It all feels so urgent. I need information detox. Girl overboard!!
presentation, Outlook email, four…whoops make that five…browser
windows and two instant messenging/internet phone platforms open on my
desktop. And I am making progress on just about nothing. It has taken
me 30 minutes to type these few lines because the little envelope that
tells me I have a new Outlook message keeps popping up, so I check to
see what it is, and then someone walks in to chat and then someone IMs
me…
I’m sorry, what was I saying again? Seriously. Information overload is
killing my brain cells. I swear I am less able to focus, concentrate
and remember than I was even 5 years ago. And I refuse to believe all
of that is due to my age.
These days it seems like instant gratification has gone completely
haywire. I have people email me, then call me to see if I got their
email before I’ve even had a chance to register that there is a
message in my inbox. Heaven forbid, I am actually WORKING ON SOMETHING
or in a meeting or on the phone or – gasp – deigning to think about
something before responding…I mean reacting.
That’s what it’s come to. We are perpetually reacting and it feels
like there’s no substance to most of it. No purpose. All I want to do
sometimes is unplug, and yet I go home and turn on the boob tube AND
fire up my laptop…I feel so fragmented and pulled in 7 directions most
of the time. Can I choose to unplug?
I tried that yesterday. I left the office with a ream of articles in
hand to review for our upcoming magazine. I went to a local cafe,
ordered a glass of wine, took a breath and started to read the
articles. I couldn’t concentrate. I kept feeling like I should be
checking something, doing something more…doing more than one thing at
once while at the same time not getting anything done… This
uni-tasking felt so foreign. I find I am like that at home too.
Constantly buzzing with energy and feeling either completely
overstimulated or completely understimulated. Is our culture
programming us for ADD??? Is there a happy medium?
While I was writing this (okay not while I was, but during one of my
25 breaks in writing this), I looked for some articles on this issue.
I found this one that I think might be good…except I haven’t gotten
around to reading it yet because I am too busy trying to finish this
post, edit a document, answer 5 emails and update my Facebook status…
It all feels so urgent. I need information detox. Girl overboard!!
Flowing with the current
I sure spend a lot of time in resistance. I’ve known that for a while,
and I noticed it in myself again this morning. I woke up and
immediately the “I don’t wanna” mantra began. I don’t wanna get up. I
don’t wanna take a shower. I don’t wanna walk the dogs. I don’t wanna
get dressed. I DEFINITELY don’t wanna go to work…I don’t wanna have
that meeting. I don’t wanna deal with that person. I don’t wanna have
to pretend this is important to me any more.
Instantly and habitually, the cycle of negativity drags me through my
day. The choice to resist is a choice I made long ago, when I believed
and truly felt as though I didn’t have choices. So if I didn’t have
the power to choose what I “had” to do (go to work, adhere to office
hours, pretend the boss is smart) to survive, I decided to subvert all
of that by choosing to have a lousy attitude and be passive
aggressive. I’ll show up, I’ll do what I’m supposed to, but I sure as
hell won’t like it. AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME.
Looking back, I can pretty much pin-point the moment in time when that
started too. When we are young and enthusiastic, just out of college,
our first work experience can make or break our feelings about work.
And our first boss is pivitol in shaping that experience. My first
boss was 28 when I was 22. She was smart and driven. And crazy. We
worked for a small tourism bureau near where I grew up. She ran the
place and hired me to take over its failing communications and
marketing efforts. I was just out of college, young and creative and
excited. I believed I was good at what I did and would be trusted to
do it, and she told me I would. But she was crazy. Often I would be
on the phone and she would listen to my side of the conversations from
her office across the hall, BELLOWING to me what to say and what not
to say. One day I’d had it and I told her that if she wanted to be on
the calls then be on the calls but to stop yelling at me from across
the hall. “I can’t take it anymore,” I said.
She came in to my office and closed the door. She said to me, and I
will never forget it: ”You WILL take it and you will NEVER speak to me
that way again. And furthermore, when I ask what you think about
something, I expect you to know whether I want you to tell me what you
really think or what I want to hear.” After that conversation, I shut
down. I shut down my enthusiasm. I shut down my energy. I shut down
the light inside me about my job and started to see it as a cynic
would. Externally I was showing up. Internally I was in resistance.
And now, as I look at the pattern of discontent that has permeated my
work life, I see a pattern of initial hope followed by disappointment
or disillusionmen culminating in internal resistance. And I beat
myself senseless over it. I label myself as lazy. I am not lazy. I
label myself as a victim. I am not a victim. I label myself as
helpless. I am not helpless. I am simply in resistance.
I have seen and heard and read so much about being present. I so love
the work of Byron Katie. I so aspire to her surrender to, and moreover
loving, what is. I am inspired by Eckhart Tolle and every once in a
while can achieve the peace and power of NOW. I heard this morning in
a radio rebroadcast of the Oprah show from yesterday, author Geneen
Roth speaking about this same struggle and how we battle it with
over-eating. She said, “To the extent that you’re wanting the
situation to change, you are going to be living in frustration. You’re
going to be living in some kind of anguish, and you’re going to be
fighting with yourself and the way things are. Whenever you fight with
something, you feel miserable.”
And I do. I have been fighting and feeling miserable for far too long.
And choosing to do so. Choosing to do so for so long that it has
become a habit. But I have changed other habits. I can change this one
too, one moment at a time, by recognizing when I am trying to resist
the flow of what is and dropping down instead to flow with it, even if
it sucks. And it sometimes will suck, and sometimes I will fail. But I
need to be gentle and move from the failure (and my tendency to then
use that to once again throw me into resistance) to acceptance and
again back to flow.
Let go. Let go and flow.
and I noticed it in myself again this morning. I woke up and
immediately the “I don’t wanna” mantra began. I don’t wanna get up. I
don’t wanna take a shower. I don’t wanna walk the dogs. I don’t wanna
get dressed. I DEFINITELY don’t wanna go to work…I don’t wanna have
that meeting. I don’t wanna deal with that person. I don’t wanna have
to pretend this is important to me any more.
Instantly and habitually, the cycle of negativity drags me through my
day. The choice to resist is a choice I made long ago, when I believed
and truly felt as though I didn’t have choices. So if I didn’t have
the power to choose what I “had” to do (go to work, adhere to office
hours, pretend the boss is smart) to survive, I decided to subvert all
of that by choosing to have a lousy attitude and be passive
aggressive. I’ll show up, I’ll do what I’m supposed to, but I sure as
hell won’t like it. AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME.
Looking back, I can pretty much pin-point the moment in time when that
started too. When we are young and enthusiastic, just out of college,
our first work experience can make or break our feelings about work.
And our first boss is pivitol in shaping that experience. My first
boss was 28 when I was 22. She was smart and driven. And crazy. We
worked for a small tourism bureau near where I grew up. She ran the
place and hired me to take over its failing communications and
marketing efforts. I was just out of college, young and creative and
excited. I believed I was good at what I did and would be trusted to
do it, and she told me I would. But she was crazy. Often I would be
on the phone and she would listen to my side of the conversations from
her office across the hall, BELLOWING to me what to say and what not
to say. One day I’d had it and I told her that if she wanted to be on
the calls then be on the calls but to stop yelling at me from across
the hall. “I can’t take it anymore,” I said.
She came in to my office and closed the door. She said to me, and I
will never forget it: ”You WILL take it and you will NEVER speak to me
that way again. And furthermore, when I ask what you think about
something, I expect you to know whether I want you to tell me what you
really think or what I want to hear.” After that conversation, I shut
down. I shut down my enthusiasm. I shut down my energy. I shut down
the light inside me about my job and started to see it as a cynic
would. Externally I was showing up. Internally I was in resistance.
And now, as I look at the pattern of discontent that has permeated my
work life, I see a pattern of initial hope followed by disappointment
or disillusionmen culminating in internal resistance. And I beat
myself senseless over it. I label myself as lazy. I am not lazy. I
label myself as a victim. I am not a victim. I label myself as
helpless. I am not helpless. I am simply in resistance.
I have seen and heard and read so much about being present. I so love
the work of Byron Katie. I so aspire to her surrender to, and moreover
loving, what is. I am inspired by Eckhart Tolle and every once in a
while can achieve the peace and power of NOW. I heard this morning in
a radio rebroadcast of the Oprah show from yesterday, author Geneen
Roth speaking about this same struggle and how we battle it with
over-eating. She said, “To the extent that you’re wanting the
situation to change, you are going to be living in frustration. You’re
going to be living in some kind of anguish, and you’re going to be
fighting with yourself and the way things are. Whenever you fight with
something, you feel miserable.”
And I do. I have been fighting and feeling miserable for far too long.
And choosing to do so. Choosing to do so for so long that it has
become a habit. But I have changed other habits. I can change this one
too, one moment at a time, by recognizing when I am trying to resist
the flow of what is and dropping down instead to flow with it, even if
it sucks. And it sometimes will suck, and sometimes I will fail. But I
need to be gentle and move from the failure (and my tendency to then
use that to once again throw me into resistance) to acceptance and
again back to flow.
Let go. Let go and flow.
In the shallows
I’m going to take a break today from winding along the stream of the
workplace and instead examine another part of my story about me. Not
an actual story, mind you, but the one I tell myself about me. The one
that leaks out in poisonous ways sometimes to hold me back.
We all have them, our stories of our lives. Sometimes our stories are
factually true, but most often the truth we see and tell about
ourselves is done through the myopic way we have learned to
internalize ideas about ourselves. Which makes it not true at all,
except to us, because we believe what we have habitually told
ourselves over the years.
The leadup to this examination is a little laughable, actually. My
[number omitted...cough cough] high school reunion is coming up in a
few weeks. With the advent of social media, Facebook in particluar, I
have gotten back in touch with people I thought I would never speak to
again. Many of these people are from my high school class and will be
attending the reunion “back home again…” Because I am a girl and still
love to play dress-up, as soon as I heard about the reunion, I set
about shopping for a new cocktail dress to wear. And I found one that
makes me feel GREAT!
Over the weekend, I logged on to our reunion page on Facebook and
noticed that the organizer of the reunion had posted a note on the
wall. In it, she mentioned that the dress code for the event (which
was not on the invitations that were sent) was set at business casual,
since the guys wanted to be comfortable and not wear ties.
So immediately I get torqued off about not being able to wear my
awesome new purple dress. I fired off some emails about my dismay to
two friends, who immediately responded that, as long as it wasn’t a
ball gown or covered in sequins, I should wear it anyway. But in my
mind – in my story – I refused to believe this was an option because
the dress is definitely more than business casual and I run the risk
of being over-dressed and labeled as trying to show off. It wasn’t
until my dearest darling BFFGF actually said, “I love Carrie Bradshaw,
don’t you? Soo…what would Carrie do at her reunion? She would look
fabulous and not worry about it. I LOVE the dress.”
That got me thinking about Carrie and how fashion fearless she is, and
it also got me wondering when I became the shrinking violet and
self-berating appropriateness police…what do I care if people think
I’m over-dressed? (I won’t be by the way…) And why is that such a big
deal to me? I was always an expressive soul, but even though I always
loved to perform and don’t mind attention when I am on stage, I have
always felt self-conscious about being singled out because I don’t
want people to think I think I’m “that special.” I notice that I am
super self-conscious about standing out, looking good, being smart and
overall owning my fabulousness. I attribute part of that to kids in
school who didn’t like me because I was a teacher’s kid and thought I
got special treatment. So I played down my specialness all those
years.
Who knows if that part of my story is even true. I seem to recall one
sneered “you think you’re so special…” a LONG LONG time ago. And of
course, I know that was about the insecurity of the sayer not me. It
certainly seems sideways to my current reality, where I encourage
people to be creative and expressive. How authentic does that make my
message when I have to shrink back? “You are special. We are all
special because of who we are…except me, I’m not that great. Really.
But YOU are awesome. Me, I’m just meh. Average. Pay no attention to
me…Look how special YOU are!”
I am reminded of a quote I have seen and heard often by Marianne
Williamson, one that speaks to me every time: “Our deepest fear is not
that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful
beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens
us.’ We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented,
fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? … Your playing small does
not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so
that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to
shine, as children do… It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our
presence automatically liberates others.”
And so I will rock my purple dress. I may not rock it with the black
satin and mother-of-pearl heels I was thinking of wearing…But then
again, Carrie would…
workplace and instead examine another part of my story about me. Not
an actual story, mind you, but the one I tell myself about me. The one
that leaks out in poisonous ways sometimes to hold me back.
We all have them, our stories of our lives. Sometimes our stories are
factually true, but most often the truth we see and tell about
ourselves is done through the myopic way we have learned to
internalize ideas about ourselves. Which makes it not true at all,
except to us, because we believe what we have habitually told
ourselves over the years.
The leadup to this examination is a little laughable, actually. My
[number omitted...cough cough] high school reunion is coming up in a
few weeks. With the advent of social media, Facebook in particluar, I
have gotten back in touch with people I thought I would never speak to
again. Many of these people are from my high school class and will be
attending the reunion “back home again…” Because I am a girl and still
love to play dress-up, as soon as I heard about the reunion, I set
about shopping for a new cocktail dress to wear. And I found one that
makes me feel GREAT!
Over the weekend, I logged on to our reunion page on Facebook and
noticed that the organizer of the reunion had posted a note on the
wall. In it, she mentioned that the dress code for the event (which
was not on the invitations that were sent) was set at business casual,
since the guys wanted to be comfortable and not wear ties.
So immediately I get torqued off about not being able to wear my
awesome new purple dress. I fired off some emails about my dismay to
two friends, who immediately responded that, as long as it wasn’t a
ball gown or covered in sequins, I should wear it anyway. But in my
mind – in my story – I refused to believe this was an option because
the dress is definitely more than business casual and I run the risk
of being over-dressed and labeled as trying to show off. It wasn’t
until my dearest darling BFFGF actually said, “I love Carrie Bradshaw,
don’t you? Soo…what would Carrie do at her reunion? She would look
fabulous and not worry about it. I LOVE the dress.”
That got me thinking about Carrie and how fashion fearless she is, and
it also got me wondering when I became the shrinking violet and
self-berating appropriateness police…what do I care if people think
I’m over-dressed? (I won’t be by the way…) And why is that such a big
deal to me? I was always an expressive soul, but even though I always
loved to perform and don’t mind attention when I am on stage, I have
always felt self-conscious about being singled out because I don’t
want people to think I think I’m “that special.” I notice that I am
super self-conscious about standing out, looking good, being smart and
overall owning my fabulousness. I attribute part of that to kids in
school who didn’t like me because I was a teacher’s kid and thought I
got special treatment. So I played down my specialness all those
years.
Who knows if that part of my story is even true. I seem to recall one
sneered “you think you’re so special…” a LONG LONG time ago. And of
course, I know that was about the insecurity of the sayer not me. It
certainly seems sideways to my current reality, where I encourage
people to be creative and expressive. How authentic does that make my
message when I have to shrink back? “You are special. We are all
special because of who we are…except me, I’m not that great. Really.
But YOU are awesome. Me, I’m just meh. Average. Pay no attention to
me…Look how special YOU are!”
I am reminded of a quote I have seen and heard often by Marianne
Williamson, one that speaks to me every time: “Our deepest fear is not
that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful
beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens
us.’ We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented,
fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? … Your playing small does
not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so
that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to
shine, as children do… It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our
presence automatically liberates others.”
And so I will rock my purple dress. I may not rock it with the black
satin and mother-of-pearl heels I was thinking of wearing…But then
again, Carrie would…
Sail on
My review went great. My boss was very positive about my performance,
but that’s not why it went great. It went great because we had a
really productive conversation about the team dynamic and morale at
the organization. (I couldn’t figure out how to work in one line of
discussion about a certain person in the department who has her
completely snowed, but I figure that will all come to light at some
point.)
I noticed something today that I noticed also in my group work at the
training I went to a few weeks ago: I will want to bring up a topic,
one that may be unpopular. I will spend much time thinking about the
topic and preparing what I want to say about it and how I will
introduce it into the conversation. For example, I journaled for three
days about the discussion I wanted to have with my boss and then
agonized about how to bring it up in a way that wouldn’t be awkward or
aggressive. I would, like a good introvert, rehearse my lines and
then, when the interaction happens, wait for the right time to bring
it up. I did the same thing with our group exercises at my workshop
when I wanted to give someone feedback.
And inevitably,despite my nervousness and concern, the right time
always arises organically. And more often than not, the other person -
or another person in the group if it is more than two – opens the door
with an observation about the very topic and often similar feelings.
It’s such a rewarding experience. I wonder if it has to do with the
law of attraction…regardless, it’s always pretty sweet when it does
happen.
But it’s Friday night. Time for wine. Sail on into the weekend. Enjoy everyone!
but that’s not why it went great. It went great because we had a
really productive conversation about the team dynamic and morale at
the organization. (I couldn’t figure out how to work in one line of
discussion about a certain person in the department who has her
completely snowed, but I figure that will all come to light at some
point.)
I noticed something today that I noticed also in my group work at the
training I went to a few weeks ago: I will want to bring up a topic,
one that may be unpopular. I will spend much time thinking about the
topic and preparing what I want to say about it and how I will
introduce it into the conversation. For example, I journaled for three
days about the discussion I wanted to have with my boss and then
agonized about how to bring it up in a way that wouldn’t be awkward or
aggressive. I would, like a good introvert, rehearse my lines and
then, when the interaction happens, wait for the right time to bring
it up. I did the same thing with our group exercises at my workshop
when I wanted to give someone feedback.
And inevitably,despite my nervousness and concern, the right time
always arises organically. And more often than not, the other person -
or another person in the group if it is more than two – opens the door
with an observation about the very topic and often similar feelings.
It’s such a rewarding experience. I wonder if it has to do with the
law of attraction…regardless, it’s always pretty sweet when it does
happen.
But it’s Friday night. Time for wine. Sail on into the weekend. Enjoy everyone!
Up the creek
My performance review is tomorrow. I find this process to be
antiquated and mostly meaningless. I just want to get it over with.
I’m also a little nervous about how some of the conversation might go.
I want to share my feelings about the recent organizational changes,
staff’s feelings about the management team and the resulting affect on
morale. I just hope an opening presents itself and I don’t have to
awkwardly introduce these topics on my own. Because nothing has been
said by my manager about any of this, I can only imagine that I will
be paddling upstream…perhaps even without the proverbial paddle …and
imparting information that may come as news to her, some of it
unwelcome.
Although, what do I really have to lose? If I don’t say anything my
dignity and self-respect are at stake and I will not be respecting her
by trying to sugarcoat things. I really have more to lose by not
speaking than by speaking. I just hate the biding of my time until
then. Yeah, I could do it now, but it’s so much more neatly packaged
if I do it as part of a formalized review. Plus, I need to refresh my
memory about what I wrote in my self-review, which I submitted several
weeks (what seems like eons) ago, when my review was supposed to take
place but got put off by the tremors ahead of the change. Most of what
I wrote is probably stuff I wish I could change now, given the
information I have today. Oh well. Guess that’s what makes the
conversation more relevant.
I also think I might broach my desire to change career paths. I
received some information today about a certificate program in
organizational development that looks really intriguing. I just think
if I come clean about my desire to move out of communications and in a
different direction, I will feel less stressed and maybe can stop
acting as though I am driven by my current career. I may even be
better at what I do now because I can stop resisting doing it if I put
voice behind my desire not to do it anymore.
There’s always a chance that conversation could well leave me up the
creek. Better stash an extra paddle in my office just in case…
antiquated and mostly meaningless. I just want to get it over with.
I’m also a little nervous about how some of the conversation might go.
I want to share my feelings about the recent organizational changes,
staff’s feelings about the management team and the resulting affect on
morale. I just hope an opening presents itself and I don’t have to
awkwardly introduce these topics on my own. Because nothing has been
said by my manager about any of this, I can only imagine that I will
be paddling upstream…perhaps even without the proverbial paddle …and
imparting information that may come as news to her, some of it
unwelcome.
Although, what do I really have to lose? If I don’t say anything my
dignity and self-respect are at stake and I will not be respecting her
by trying to sugarcoat things. I really have more to lose by not
speaking than by speaking. I just hate the biding of my time until
then. Yeah, I could do it now, but it’s so much more neatly packaged
if I do it as part of a formalized review. Plus, I need to refresh my
memory about what I wrote in my self-review, which I submitted several
weeks (what seems like eons) ago, when my review was supposed to take
place but got put off by the tremors ahead of the change. Most of what
I wrote is probably stuff I wish I could change now, given the
information I have today. Oh well. Guess that’s what makes the
conversation more relevant.
I also think I might broach my desire to change career paths. I
received some information today about a certificate program in
organizational development that looks really intriguing. I just think
if I come clean about my desire to move out of communications and in a
different direction, I will feel less stressed and maybe can stop
acting as though I am driven by my current career. I may even be
better at what I do now because I can stop resisting doing it if I put
voice behind my desire not to do it anymore.
There’s always a chance that conversation could well leave me up the
creek. Better stash an extra paddle in my office just in case…
Life jacket anyone?
Again, I am chewing on something I heard on Oprah radio. Odd how the
universe has been speaking to me through that medium lately…I don’t
listen that often but lately the little gems have been popping out at
me. This latest one was about change. I wish I could find the snippet
to link to, because I am going to butcher it, but it goes something
along the lines of: Every time you choose to change something, you
have to let go of something at the same time. So in this way, every
change represents a death of sorts, a death of what you are letting go
of in favor of what you are choosing instead. Inherent in this process
is grief. Every change, no matter how small, can spur a sense of loss
and can bring about the grieving process.
I found that so resonant, as I have been through a whole lot of change
this year (knee replacement surgery, moving in with my boyfriend and
reorganization at my workplace to name just a few of the major items.)
AND I am examining a major change in career at some point. Hearing
that I must face and honor the things I have let go during times of
change was startling to me in its common sense. I think sometimes we
believe we can just flip a switch or power through a change,
especially one that may not be of our own doing. But no matter the
intention of the change or the fact that it is “for the better,” there
is still a letting go and a grieving that must take place if there is
to be growth as a result.
This week I have been dealing with the grieving process around trying
to manage the changes that were just announced at the office, changes
that in a matter of moments broke apart a team I had worked for almost
two years to build, support, encourage and nurture. In trying to find
out more about this process, I came across an article by William
Bridges about how we get lost in transition. I’ve read it once and am
going to try to bring some of it to my manager and see if we can’t help the rest of the
department – who I know are feeling at least a little shaken up and at
most really unsupported and angry – voice their concerns and help us
navigate this transition in a way that will work best for us all if we
can. I can’t be the only one who feels this way, but I might be the
only one who will start to talk about it…Guess we’ll see.
Wish me luck and throw me a life jacket if you have a spare!
universe has been speaking to me through that medium lately…I don’t
listen that often but lately the little gems have been popping out at
me. This latest one was about change. I wish I could find the snippet
to link to, because I am going to butcher it, but it goes something
along the lines of: Every time you choose to change something, you
have to let go of something at the same time. So in this way, every
change represents a death of sorts, a death of what you are letting go
of in favor of what you are choosing instead. Inherent in this process
is grief. Every change, no matter how small, can spur a sense of loss
and can bring about the grieving process.
I found that so resonant, as I have been through a whole lot of change
this year (knee replacement surgery, moving in with my boyfriend and
reorganization at my workplace to name just a few of the major items.)
AND I am examining a major change in career at some point. Hearing
that I must face and honor the things I have let go during times of
change was startling to me in its common sense. I think sometimes we
believe we can just flip a switch or power through a change,
especially one that may not be of our own doing. But no matter the
intention of the change or the fact that it is “for the better,” there
is still a letting go and a grieving that must take place if there is
to be growth as a result.
This week I have been dealing with the grieving process around trying
to manage the changes that were just announced at the office, changes
that in a matter of moments broke apart a team I had worked for almost
two years to build, support, encourage and nurture. In trying to find
out more about this process, I came across an article by William
Bridges about how we get lost in transition. I’ve read it once and am
going to try to bring some of it to my manager and see if we can’t help the rest of the
department – who I know are feeling at least a little shaken up and at
most really unsupported and angry – voice their concerns and help us
navigate this transition in a way that will work best for us all if we
can. I can’t be the only one who feels this way, but I might be the
only one who will start to talk about it…Guess we’ll see.
Wish me luck and throw me a life jacket if you have a spare!
This boat is “sinking”
I listen to Oprah radio on my way to and from work (except for one
show where the host annoys me.) During breaks they do “Live Your Best
Life” moments featuring various experts, with tips on everything from
decluttering your home through eating, exercise and mediation. Over
the weekend I heard a tip that said the best way to retain new
information, to really learn it, is to give your mind space and time
to let the new lesson sink in.
Even though I knew that, it really helped to hear it again. I beat
myself up for needing space and time to let things sink, even though I
am a natural introvert. For those who misunderstand, that does not
mean I am shy, retiring or reclusive. (See one of my favorite articles
ever about introversion.) I am actually expressive and social. But I
am also drained by people and interaction, especially when I am not
given the time and space away for things to sink. I gain energy from
time alone and require time to process events internally – I need time
to let things sink before I can really understand them, and then I
often understand them with more nuance and depth than others.
I am only now beginning to own this about myself and realize that it
is not something I need to apologize for or make up for, and that I
can stand up in the face of the office tanks who threaten to run me
down with their ideas (much like the man who stood down the tank
during the protests in Beijing’s Tiananmen Square). It’s so hard to
do, but I need to do it.
The NTL workshop I went to a few weeks ago was pivitol for me, more
and more so I am learning as the lessons continue to sink. I learned
there that my role is key – the seer and the (often reluctant) sayer.
I am working now to sink that into my role in the day-to-day of my
team, my department and my organization, all of which are changing
dramatically.
Right now all the information I am taking in and processing is a bit
overwhelming, especially as the pull of the daily grind continues even
as the spoken and unspoken shifts cause things to come apart. I am
feeling the urge to drift a bit…push away from shore and see what
sinks.
In the words of Annie Lennox, “Can’t you see, this boat is sinking,
this boat is sinking, this boat is sinking….”
show where the host annoys me.) During breaks they do “Live Your Best
Life” moments featuring various experts, with tips on everything from
decluttering your home through eating, exercise and mediation. Over
the weekend I heard a tip that said the best way to retain new
information, to really learn it, is to give your mind space and time
to let the new lesson sink in.
Even though I knew that, it really helped to hear it again. I beat
myself up for needing space and time to let things sink, even though I
am a natural introvert. For those who misunderstand, that does not
mean I am shy, retiring or reclusive. (See one of my favorite articles
ever about introversion.) I am actually expressive and social. But I
am also drained by people and interaction, especially when I am not
given the time and space away for things to sink. I gain energy from
time alone and require time to process events internally – I need time
to let things sink before I can really understand them, and then I
often understand them with more nuance and depth than others.
I am only now beginning to own this about myself and realize that it
is not something I need to apologize for or make up for, and that I
can stand up in the face of the office tanks who threaten to run me
down with their ideas (much like the man who stood down the tank
during the protests in Beijing’s Tiananmen Square). It’s so hard to
do, but I need to do it.
The NTL workshop I went to a few weeks ago was pivitol for me, more
and more so I am learning as the lessons continue to sink. I learned
there that my role is key – the seer and the (often reluctant) sayer.
I am working now to sink that into my role in the day-to-day of my
team, my department and my organization, all of which are changing
dramatically.
Right now all the information I am taking in and processing is a bit
overwhelming, especially as the pull of the daily grind continues even
as the spoken and unspoken shifts cause things to come apart. I am
feeling the urge to drift a bit…push away from shore and see what
sinks.
In the words of Annie Lennox, “Can’t you see, this boat is sinking,
this boat is sinking, this boat is sinking….”
Merrily? Merrily? Merrily? Merrily?
There’s a pattern in my working life. A pattern of dissatisfaction
largely brought about by disillusionment in, and the resulting lack of
respect for, those holding the reins of leadership. It just seems that
at some point – usually sooner rather than later in my tenure as an
employee – the individuals in charge lose their grip on reality and
start to make decisions that make sense only to them, and subsequently
erode the ever-so-fragile structure that was holding the fabric of the
organization together.
I call it the great coming apart. It has happened, in varying stages
and with varying outcomes, at nearly all of the places I have worked
in my life. Being the good self-examiner I am, I know that patterns
exist for a reason. For a very long time, I figured since I was the
common denominator in all of my workplaces, it must be something about
me that creates this. Then I realized I am not nearly that powerful
and important, and with a great sigh of relief let the orb of
responsibility for organizational dysfunction roll from my shoulders.
I just happen to be a witness, and one who sees patterns, notices
trends…Just because I see a problem, doesn’t mean I am the problem
(all the time.)
So then I got REALLY curious. If I’m not the problem, and the problem
always seems to relate to those in charge, what’s the deal? I wonder
if what I am experiencing is ubiquitous to all organizations, specific
to not-for-profits (since that is where I have worked to date) or if I
am destined to keep repeating the same mistake in organizational
selection until I have learned whatever lesson there is for me to
learn here and resolve that bit of my karma. I’m guessing it’s a
little bit of all of that. But the last part is really the only part
that I can do anything about.
And there’s also the pattern in my worklife of my taking on the
position of organizational shrink. Not everyone seeks me out, and I
never promote myself as such, but I’ve tended to be the sanity-check
and sounding board for others in the organization who are struggling
and trying to figure things out. I really like feeling as though I
can help people by listening, asking questions, coaching a bit and
mostly empathizing.
I know that this clarity I seek has something to do with that…That I
feel less existentially lost when I am listening to another soul (lost
or not) and offering thoughts, resources or just an ear to ease their
minds for at least a minute or two. I also LOVE seeing a lightbulb go
on in someone’s eyes when they are talking and suddenly make a
connection or get “it”…whatever it might be. I never make that happen
for them – they do. I feel so blessed to be there and be able to
witness that. I love supporting people while they grow and creating a
safe environment in which people can struggle. I love giving people
permission to be themselves and watching them relax and let go.
How did I get here from there? Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily…On
the stream of consciousness. It will all come togehter a some point.
I trust that. Until then, at least it’s Friday. It’s a holiday
weekend. It’s almost happy hour (we get out of work early today). And
there’s more to life than the bollixing nonsense that sometimes comes
up around organizations…
largely brought about by disillusionment in, and the resulting lack of
respect for, those holding the reins of leadership. It just seems that
at some point – usually sooner rather than later in my tenure as an
employee – the individuals in charge lose their grip on reality and
start to make decisions that make sense only to them, and subsequently
erode the ever-so-fragile structure that was holding the fabric of the
organization together.
I call it the great coming apart. It has happened, in varying stages
and with varying outcomes, at nearly all of the places I have worked
in my life. Being the good self-examiner I am, I know that patterns
exist for a reason. For a very long time, I figured since I was the
common denominator in all of my workplaces, it must be something about
me that creates this. Then I realized I am not nearly that powerful
and important, and with a great sigh of relief let the orb of
responsibility for organizational dysfunction roll from my shoulders.
I just happen to be a witness, and one who sees patterns, notices
trends…Just because I see a problem, doesn’t mean I am the problem
(all the time.)
So then I got REALLY curious. If I’m not the problem, and the problem
always seems to relate to those in charge, what’s the deal? I wonder
if what I am experiencing is ubiquitous to all organizations, specific
to not-for-profits (since that is where I have worked to date) or if I
am destined to keep repeating the same mistake in organizational
selection until I have learned whatever lesson there is for me to
learn here and resolve that bit of my karma. I’m guessing it’s a
little bit of all of that. But the last part is really the only part
that I can do anything about.
And there’s also the pattern in my worklife of my taking on the
position of organizational shrink. Not everyone seeks me out, and I
never promote myself as such, but I’ve tended to be the sanity-check
and sounding board for others in the organization who are struggling
and trying to figure things out. I really like feeling as though I
can help people by listening, asking questions, coaching a bit and
mostly empathizing.
I know that this clarity I seek has something to do with that…That I
feel less existentially lost when I am listening to another soul (lost
or not) and offering thoughts, resources or just an ear to ease their
minds for at least a minute or two. I also LOVE seeing a lightbulb go
on in someone’s eyes when they are talking and suddenly make a
connection or get “it”…whatever it might be. I never make that happen
for them – they do. I feel so blessed to be there and be able to
witness that. I love supporting people while they grow and creating a
safe environment in which people can struggle. I love giving people
permission to be themselves and watching them relax and let go.
How did I get here from there? Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily…On
the stream of consciousness. It will all come togehter a some point.
I trust that. Until then, at least it’s Friday. It’s a holiday
weekend. It’s almost happy hour (we get out of work early today). And
there’s more to life than the bollixing nonsense that sometimes comes
up around organizations…
Gently down the stream…
I am procrastinating writing performance reviews for my staff. It’s
not that the reviews themselves are particularly arduous or that my
staff are in any way difficult to review. In fact, aside from a few
small hiccups that are only to be expected with growing staffers, they
are really a gift to me in terms of their passion and dedication and
all-around awesomeness.
Really, reviewing them tends to feed my existential crisis, because I
do not feel as though I am as passionate, as dedicated, as awesome at
my current career as I believe someone should be who holds my title,
my salary (which really should be bigger…ha) and has as many years of
experience as I do. I feel guilty for taking up space in a position
and an organization that could benefit from someone who really felt
invested, was fired up and really plugged in and jazzed to be in the
field.
But the truth is, I took this job two years ago having already
committed to myself that it would be the last stop on this current
career path. I’m fried. Burnt. Toast. I really just don’t have it in
me. This job is not who I am, does not speak to any tiny bit of me
authentically. I don’t want to learn all the new things that are
happening in the field (too much technology too many moving pieces,
too few brain cells!) I certainly don’t want to continue to pretend I
find reward in spinning words and concepts and, let’s face it
sometimes just plan nonsense, with the intent to … well let’s not
sugarcoat it … manipulate people into taking actions that I don’t
necessarily care if they take and/or don’t support.
Which is why I am on the path I am now. The path to clarity around
what it is that is next for me. Two weeks ago, I spent an amazing,
exhausting, painful, joyful week at the NTL Institute’s Human
Interaction Laboratory in Silver Spring, MD. Imagine being put in a
room with 7 strangers with no agenda except to learn about yourself,
learn about groups and learn about yourself in groups. We spent 6
hours a day for 5 days in our group struggling with this and growing
from it.
The HI Lab opened my eyes to many things about myself, the roles I
play and the gifts I bring to groups I am a part of. I am still
processing it all and the learning keeps percolating, but these are
the things I shared with my mentor and coach MaryJane Bullen:
I see and hear things that other people don’t see and hear - patterns
of behavior, inflections, choice of words, body language – and I am
willing to name it and call it out.
When I do this, it resonates with other members of the group who were
feeling something but couldn’t see it, hear it or name it.
I bring a groundedness to a group because I am able to see the group
as a unit made up of unique individuals, and I am able to see the
individuals for more than the “stuff” that they bring to the group
space.
People feel supported by me and engaged when I participate. They want
me to hold back less and contribute more. (I tend to hold back and not
contribute for fear of being labeled as one who is over ambitious, has
an agenda, or won’t shut up…That’s all my “stuff” …stuff that bothers
me about other people in groups.)
It’s hard not to want to leap into motion and try to force myself into
identifying what’s next on the heels of all of this learning. Often I
want to run right past the what straight to the how, somehow hoping
that if I can figure out HOW to change that WHAT I change will be
right…But that’s what I’ve always done, and the old addage is true: If
you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you
always got.
And so, MaryJane, in her infinite and very supportive wisdom, has
given me the task to not figure out how or what to do or to change,
but to just be – until the Autumnal Equinox: Thursday, September 23 -
just be while holding the intention that I will be more clear on the
what, if not the how, by that time.
So that’s where I am. Floating gently (sometimes not so gently) down
the stream in hopes that clarity will come.
And now, back to performance reviews for my passionate, dedicated and
awesome staff…
not that the reviews themselves are particularly arduous or that my
staff are in any way difficult to review. In fact, aside from a few
small hiccups that are only to be expected with growing staffers, they
are really a gift to me in terms of their passion and dedication and
all-around awesomeness.
Really, reviewing them tends to feed my existential crisis, because I
do not feel as though I am as passionate, as dedicated, as awesome at
my current career as I believe someone should be who holds my title,
my salary (which really should be bigger…ha) and has as many years of
experience as I do. I feel guilty for taking up space in a position
and an organization that could benefit from someone who really felt
invested, was fired up and really plugged in and jazzed to be in the
field.
But the truth is, I took this job two years ago having already
committed to myself that it would be the last stop on this current
career path. I’m fried. Burnt. Toast. I really just don’t have it in
me. This job is not who I am, does not speak to any tiny bit of me
authentically. I don’t want to learn all the new things that are
happening in the field (too much technology too many moving pieces,
too few brain cells!) I certainly don’t want to continue to pretend I
find reward in spinning words and concepts and, let’s face it
sometimes just plan nonsense, with the intent to … well let’s not
sugarcoat it … manipulate people into taking actions that I don’t
necessarily care if they take and/or don’t support.
Which is why I am on the path I am now. The path to clarity around
what it is that is next for me. Two weeks ago, I spent an amazing,
exhausting, painful, joyful week at the NTL Institute’s Human
Interaction Laboratory in Silver Spring, MD. Imagine being put in a
room with 7 strangers with no agenda except to learn about yourself,
learn about groups and learn about yourself in groups. We spent 6
hours a day for 5 days in our group struggling with this and growing
from it.
The HI Lab opened my eyes to many things about myself, the roles I
play and the gifts I bring to groups I am a part of. I am still
processing it all and the learning keeps percolating, but these are
the things I shared with my mentor and coach MaryJane Bullen:
I see and hear things that other people don’t see and hear - patterns
of behavior, inflections, choice of words, body language – and I am
willing to name it and call it out.
When I do this, it resonates with other members of the group who were
feeling something but couldn’t see it, hear it or name it.
I bring a groundedness to a group because I am able to see the group
as a unit made up of unique individuals, and I am able to see the
individuals for more than the “stuff” that they bring to the group
space.
People feel supported by me and engaged when I participate. They want
me to hold back less and contribute more. (I tend to hold back and not
contribute for fear of being labeled as one who is over ambitious, has
an agenda, or won’t shut up…That’s all my “stuff” …stuff that bothers
me about other people in groups.)
It’s hard not to want to leap into motion and try to force myself into
identifying what’s next on the heels of all of this learning. Often I
want to run right past the what straight to the how, somehow hoping
that if I can figure out HOW to change that WHAT I change will be
right…But that’s what I’ve always done, and the old addage is true: If
you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you
always got.
And so, MaryJane, in her infinite and very supportive wisdom, has
given me the task to not figure out how or what to do or to change,
but to just be – until the Autumnal Equinox: Thursday, September 23 -
just be while holding the intention that I will be more clear on the
what, if not the how, by that time.
So that’s where I am. Floating gently (sometimes not so gently) down
the stream in hopes that clarity will come.
And now, back to performance reviews for my passionate, dedicated and
awesome staff…
Row, row, row …
I used to have a blog with another service...it crashed and so did my blog. BUT thanks to my awesome God-brother, Matt, my posts live on! I will post them all now as they were then and then will get to posting new.
Row, row, row...
Been thinking about doing this blog thing for a while now. Today I
decided that, as an entree into opening myself up and making myself
fully available for what is hatching in me, I would begin in earnest
to document my journey…if for no other reason than to cast all of this
out into the universe.
I can’t be the only one who feels like perhaps her sole purpose in
life is existential crisis…Right?
ARGH! I keep getting interrupted by work. Damn my Over-Responsibility
Disorder. I can’t just say eff it and blog. And multi-tasking does not
for a compelling blog make. Perhaps I should be content that I have
launched this, let it set sail…and now I will row, row, row myself
through the river that is my current work with the promise to be back
soon to better populate this poor sad blog which is currently having
an existential crisis of its own…
Row, row, row...
Been thinking about doing this blog thing for a while now. Today I
decided that, as an entree into opening myself up and making myself
fully available for what is hatching in me, I would begin in earnest
to document my journey…if for no other reason than to cast all of this
out into the universe.
I can’t be the only one who feels like perhaps her sole purpose in
life is existential crisis…Right?
ARGH! I keep getting interrupted by work. Damn my Over-Responsibility
Disorder. I can’t just say eff it and blog. And multi-tasking does not
for a compelling blog make. Perhaps I should be content that I have
launched this, let it set sail…and now I will row, row, row myself
through the river that is my current work with the promise to be back
soon to better populate this poor sad blog which is currently having
an existential crisis of its own…
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)