Quittin Time?

At the end of the day Friday, I was drained. Before leaving the office, I posted "I quit. At least for the week" as my Facebook status. I went to say good bye to my team and wish them a good weekend as I always do. What came out of my mouth instead was "I have to go now before I quit." 

When I got home, I felt like a zombie. I said hi and sat down at the kitchen counter with G. He looked at me for a second or two and then, out of the blue, he asked, "Do you want to quit?" It must have been written all over my face...as well as this blog, Facebook and anywhere else my tired psyche could find to scribble.

"Yes," I said. "But I won't. At least not yet."

I don't just up and quit. At least not big things like a job. I have had some really bad jobs, and I haven't quit before I had somewhere else to go. Which got me to thinking over the weekend and today about that pattern and how it has(n't) worked for me. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get when you've always got.

So I am playing with the idea, just inside my head for now, of quitting. I am letting my energy and imagination run wild with the idea. What would it feel like to just quit and not have a backup plan? What would I do with myself? What would my ideal day look like? I mean, it's not like I don't have an idea of what I want to do and where I want to go. It's not like I would be wandering blindly in the woods (although that might very well be one of the things I would do if I quit.)

As I play with this idea, I notice I start to get more energy, my light seems to shine a bit more. I start to dream again...I start to get ideas for artwork...and businesses. I start to envision the person I would be in the world, instead of the person I am in the office. I really like the person I would be in the world, and I really like the idea of being in the world and not in the office (any office.)

For the first time in a long time, I start to feel hopeful and loving toward the idea of uncertainty. I used to feel terrified and doubtful of my ability to succeed. But now I feel supported. Just G asking me if I wanted to quit told me that he cares enough about me to want me to be happy instead of "secure." And just the fact that he asked me that -- facing the insecurity of that question (I know he was serious; and I know it's not about the money or the bills or any sort of financial equity) made me feel even more secure.

But it's not quittin' time just yet...although it could be closer than I think.