Quittin Time?

At the end of the day Friday, I was drained. Before leaving the office, I posted "I quit. At least for the week" as my Facebook status. I went to say good bye to my team and wish them a good weekend as I always do. What came out of my mouth instead was "I have to go now before I quit." 

When I got home, I felt like a zombie. I said hi and sat down at the kitchen counter with G. He looked at me for a second or two and then, out of the blue, he asked, "Do you want to quit?" It must have been written all over my face...as well as this blog, Facebook and anywhere else my tired psyche could find to scribble.

"Yes," I said. "But I won't. At least not yet."

I don't just up and quit. At least not big things like a job. I have had some really bad jobs, and I haven't quit before I had somewhere else to go. Which got me to thinking over the weekend and today about that pattern and how it has(n't) worked for me. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get when you've always got.

So I am playing with the idea, just inside my head for now, of quitting. I am letting my energy and imagination run wild with the idea. What would it feel like to just quit and not have a backup plan? What would I do with myself? What would my ideal day look like? I mean, it's not like I don't have an idea of what I want to do and where I want to go. It's not like I would be wandering blindly in the woods (although that might very well be one of the things I would do if I quit.)

As I play with this idea, I notice I start to get more energy, my light seems to shine a bit more. I start to dream again...I start to get ideas for artwork...and businesses. I start to envision the person I would be in the world, instead of the person I am in the office. I really like the person I would be in the world, and I really like the idea of being in the world and not in the office (any office.)

For the first time in a long time, I start to feel hopeful and loving toward the idea of uncertainty. I used to feel terrified and doubtful of my ability to succeed. But now I feel supported. Just G asking me if I wanted to quit told me that he cares enough about me to want me to be happy instead of "secure." And just the fact that he asked me that -- facing the insecurity of that question (I know he was serious; and I know it's not about the money or the bills or any sort of financial equity) made me feel even more secure.

But it's not quittin' time just yet...although it could be closer than I think.

Cannot Compute, Cannot Recall

It's been one of those weeks where I don't remember yesterday. Every day has been so full of constant meetings, calls, "emergencies", discussions, emails, immediate requests and other absolutely non crucial-but-perceived-as-crucial insanity that I have spent my evenings staring blankly at the TV and guzzling wine. And I don't remember a single moment of it, and not because of the wine guzzling.

Turns out this is normal, especially for...yes, you guessed it...introverts! Kim Diorio's online review of The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D., reports that, "...introverts use their brains differently from extroverts. While extroverts mostly use their short-term memory and the parts of the brain that deal with sensory impressions, introverts mainly use their long-term memory and the parts of the brain that deal with solving problems, planning, and internal thoughts and feelings. The two brain pathways require different neurotransmitters. The pathway that extroverts use is activated by dopamine, which is identified with alertness, attention, movement, and learning. Extroverts require lots of dopamine to be happy, and activity and excitement increase dopamine production, so extroverts enjoy being busy. Introverts, on the other hand, use a brain pathway that is activated by acetylcholine, which affects long-term memory, the ability to stay calm and alert, and perceptual learning. Acetylcholine produces a happy feeling during thinking and feeling, so introverts enjoy contemplation."

Additionally, it turns out that not remembering things right away (especially if you go from thing to thing to thing) is the natural, physiological way the brain creates memories!! I heard on the radio today about "the spacing effect", which is explained in this (somewhat laborious) scientific article. Here's a snippet:

"Simply speaking, memory uses the spacing effect and the principle of increasing intervals to most effectively fix relevant information in the brain. Upon encountering an event it is temporarily transferred to long-term memory and forgotten in the matter of days. However, if the event is reencountered, the memory assumes increased probability of the event in the future and increases the retention period. Initially, in the retention period, memory is not sensitive to more encounters of the same event. Only at later stages does memory become sensitive again and a new encounter will act as a repetition that will increase the retention period and make memory temporarily insensitive to further encounters."

In other words, repetition spaced over time (but not too long a time) creates memory. Being constantly slammed with new information does not allow any of it to be imprinted and, therefore, learning/remembering does not occur. Additionally, being inundated with a repeated message over a short period of time also does not lend itself to creating a long-term memory. Think of it like cramming for an exam. You might be able to overload your short term memory with enough information to pass, but you're recall of that information later will be limited just a few days (maybe even hours) later.

For me, as an introvert, going from thing to thing to thing essentially leaves me with large segments of days that are completely blank in my memory because I have had NO TIME to process any of it and no desire to create the spaced repetition of the information in order to create a memory. That's why I carry a notepad to all these meetings. And that's why I need a new career. This one is killing my braincells.

P.S. Just found this article as well. Okay, maybe I am rationalizing a failing short-term memory, but I'd rather believe it's the culture and not me that makes me so absent-minded.

Sit on It

I was going to call this post Pain in the A$$ but given the untimely passing of Tom "Mr. C" Bosely, I thought I would pay hommage and reference Happy Days. Apologies to anyone too young to remember.

I've been having hip pain the past few days. My entire lower hemisphere is out of whack from a car accident back in 1983, and I'm certain some of this pain is a result of that and various other physiological factors -- increase in exercise, a change to the awesome but takes-some-getting-used-to Sketchers Shape-Ups, a change in my gait after my knee replacement, being short and working at an unergonomic work station etc.

But I've also noticed that the increase in this pain is tied to tension. Tension in my posterior to be exact. I'm serious. You would be surprised the amount of tension that we store in our gluteus maximus. Get a deep tissue massage and you'll find out! The knots are deep. They restrict the bloodflow and cause pain and inflammation.

So yes, I literally have a pain in my ass. As a sincere believer in the mind-body connection, I did some mental work on the pain this morning. I let my mind settle on it and asked it what it was telling me. Yeah, I can be a little daft at times, because when the answer came it was so obvious I had to laugh:

I'm sitting on my feelings.

It's simple, it's true and it's powerful. I've gotten so good at repressing and supressing my feelings, stifling my voice and sitting on things that want to be expressed that my body has no choice but to put the energy of those feelings somewhere. Our bodies are so wise and we abuse them so that sometimes they have to resort to drastic measures to get our attention. Those of us who operate from the neck up by default (guilty as charged) often miss the subtle signals of misalignment or try to mask the real issues with numbing behaviors like drugs, drinking, mindless media consumption, over-eating (guilty again on all counts.)

I love my body's sense of humor. It speaks in my true voice. How often does my mind think, "this is a pain in the ass" or "I'd better sit on that and not say anything." And so my body says okay and translates those thoughts literally into it's own expression of intolerance. Because it knows that mentally sitting on it isn't the answer.

Bodies are meant for action. They aren't meant to be vehicles to simply schelp our minds around in service of the mental noise that we generate constantly. Our bodies know that if we feel something, it's real. And our bodies want to DO something about it (fight or flight.) Our minds try to talk us out of what we feel,we  rationalize it, compartmentalize it, justify it, find someone to blame for it or - in my case - sit on it. Instead of taking the energy of the feeling when it arises and acknowledging it, allowing it to be in my body and perhaps taking a walk or doing some deep breathing to process it or release it, I sit on it.

And now there's a pain in my ass. 

All of this reminds me of one of my favorite images, an image that my coach, mentor and dear friend MaryJane Bullen shows during her work with teams. We're like iceburgs. There's so much under the surface, so much that we hold down. MaryJane uses this image in the context of not making assumptions about people based on what you see, but to me the image also reminds me to bring more of what is under the surface into the light, honor it and be with it.

If the feelings that are under the surface of my tender hips can be released, my freedom of movement and my freedom of expression will expand and my pain will deminish.

Revolutionary Thinking

I want to start a revolution. I want to start a revolution against ignoring the pink elephant in the room, complimenting the naked emperor on his fancy new duds and, most of all, assuming that just because someone is in a position of leadership means they  have a clue.

In fact, I'll take a room full of naked elephants and pink emperors if we could all just admit that there are lots and lots and lots and lots of really, painfully ineffective leaders in this world. And I'm tired of having to follow them.

I'm going to revolt. Very soon. I'm plotting my revolution now...I'm uncertain whether it will be a subversive revolution or a full out call out of all the leaderless behavior and managerial madness I see. I want blind spots to be revealed and work to actually be done well and authentically. Is that too much to ask? I guess I  need to revolt to find out. How sad.

A Dream Takes Flight

Apologies for the blogging hiatus but it's been a mad few weeks. First, I was priviledged to sit in on an intense leadership conference through my organization, the majority of which I am still processing in my introverted, highly-sensitive manner. I did not have the benefit of processing it right away because I had to work with my partner G to prepare our house for a week of international houseguests (for work nonetheless...but nevermind that.) Just a few short hours after we sent the last of our guests on their way, we too headed to the airport for a vacation which centered around visiting with and supporting my best friend as she prepared for spinal surgery and also going up-up-and away, launching G's dream to learn to fly.

Yes. I rode in the back of a tiny Sessna while my darling G took the controls - one by one and then all at once - during his very first flight lesson. When I first met G, I stole from my coaching bag of tricks and asked him, "What's one thing you've always wanted to do but have never done?"  He said learn to fly. Of course I followed up with "What's stopping you?" Time, of course. Not good enough for me. Time should never be the reason a person puts off their dreams. Because time goes too fast, and you never know when your time is up...until it is!

Last year, G turned 50 and I presented him with an introductory flight lesson as a gift. It took us a year to get the flight scheduled (yep, that time thing again...) but we did it. I don't know if he will decide to follow up and pursue his license or not, but at least he can say he's actually flown.

Of course, all of this has got me thinking about what I have always wanted to do that I've never done, but I just draw a blank. I know there are things my heart and soul want to do, but sometimes I feel like I need to take a sabbatical to uncover them again. Actually, a sabbatical sounds good. I've always wanted to take a year off and travel...But who has the time?